Year in the life of Dez...day 39

Lessons I have learned from Montana...

Distance is no longer an issue for me. I know back home folks think it's crazy to drive 2 hours to visit...or shop...or anything for that matter. We spend so much time in our little area of the world and forget that there is a BIG, Huge world out there to explore. We don't take the time to visit with our friends and family who live 3 hours away because it would take too much time out of our busy day or weekend. Heck, most people don't even visit the people they love who live across town.

Well, I was one of those people. I could travel an hour to go shopping but I couldn't take 10 minutes to drive across town to visit. I wouldn't take the day to drive up to Nashville and spend time with my Mom. It was just too far. She has miss out on my kids lives due to my stubbornness. I just couldn't slow down...or I slowed down too much and got lazy.

When we moved to Montana I had to come to terms with the fact that civilization was an hour in any direction. If I needed the concrete I had to drive to find it. If I wanted a mall or a familiar place to eat...2.5 - 3 hours to a "Big" city. After living here for 15 months I appreciate distance much more. I think about all I missed out on seeing back home.

I wanted to take my kids to see Fall Creek Falls... It was only around 5 hours away...but wow, that was hard. So many things I saw as a kid that I wanted my kids to see... they didn't get to.

Now that we live here, my kids have seen the "world". Places I never thought I would see in my lifetime too. We have driven across the United States twice now. My family is "international travelers" because we went to Canada :0)

What I am saying today is TAKE time out of your busy lives and see something besides the stuff you see every day. Sometimes it makes you appreciate what you have even more. See those family members you haven't seen in a long time. MAKE TIME to see something you have never seen before.

Year in the life of Dez... Day 38

Lessons I have learned from Montana...

I was thinking the other night about how all of us have changed since we moved up to Montana. Jason has become more patient and understanding, he has truly found himself and is such a wonderful man. Jakub has learned to come out of his shell some, he makes friends easier. Jack has learned about life and has now spent more of his life (that he is aware of) here than "back home". Me, well I have learned many things from this beautiful, strange and free land. I decided I am going to take a few days to talk about the things I have learned and love.

Today I want to talk about freedom. Up here in the mountains people are so free to live how they really want to. They don't really worry much about the outside influences of political correctness, trends and keeping up with the Jones'. It is really like stepping into a different world. At first, being an outsider that was taught that everything must be neat and tidy, prim and proper and perfect in every way...I was judgmental. I looked at the "Po-dunk" towns here and snarled my nose. Seriously... was I supposed to live here. Yep, I was the outside snob... and those that know me...really, really know me...know I am not ANY kind of snob. I was one of the outsiders that PNW folks love to hate (Welcome to Montana... Now go home).

I was supposed to live in a 900 Sqft cabin in the middle of nowhere and be happy about it. The year before I snarled my nose up at a beautiful 1300 sqft house when we were house hunting in Corinth (it just wasn't big enough).

These folks DIDN'T hate us though. They accepted us with open arms.

So, what am I really rambling about here? I am saying that the people and the place have given me the freedom to not worry about what others think. SO WHAT if I don't have a big grand house. So WHAT if I buy clothes at Wal-mart. So What if I didn't iron my clothes before leaving the house, or I threw my hair up in a clip and didn't wear make-up. The people here still accepted me, nothing happened...I didn't melt...no one laughed or pointed fingers. I didn't shrivel up and die. I learned that all I really need is the people that love me, food on the table and a roof over my head.

Can you say you have that freedom? If not then evaluate WHY you don't and fix it. I am a ton happier today because I don't center my world around ME anymore. I am NOT what the world is all about... the people I love and care about are who I desire to make happy. The other person is myself. I have a LONG way to go before I really think I will be happy with me. I have a ton of wounds that still are not healed, no matter how much I say they are. These are wounds I have to work on and settle within myself. I AM trying.

Year in the life of Dez....day 37

More holiday traditions...

Yesterday I shared Jack's favorite tradition as being candy canes during Christmas. So this morning I interview Jakub. He initially said Sledding, but in Montana you can sled just about any time. I asked him to share his favorite thing that we have done at Christmas. He finally answered making gingerbread cookie and drinking hot cocoa.

We have just started making gingerbread men this year. Not me...Nanny has been baking them and I have been helping decorate them. Jakub really gets into dressing them with the icing and making them buttons with chocolate chips. He really, really love EATING them!

So, where did Mr. Ginger Bread come from?

(found on the website "The straight Dope"... http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1912/whats-the-origin-of-the-gingerbread-man)


The earliest form of gingerbread was not a cake, but a solid block of honey baked with flour, ginger, breadcrumbs and spices. They were extravagantly and elaborately decorated in medieval England and were a popular present, the way that a box of chocolates is today. The decoration could include being colored with saffron or cinnamon, or having designs impressed on the gingerbread by large wooden molds--including the shape of men or pigs. The fleur de lis was a popular shape, as was a heart (to ward off evil), a stag (for virility) or a rabbit (for, ah, fertility.)
n the late 16th century, at the court of Queen Elizabeth I, honoured guests at court were sometimes presented with their portrait in gingerbread.

Around the same time, molasses from the New World replaced treacle in many recipes. Specialty gingerbreads were made in towns such as Ashbourne with its white gingerbread, or Ormskirk with dark; and Grasmere gingerbread from the Lake District has a shortbread texture (as do some Scottish gingerbreads.)

These little cookies that have our imagination running these days have a long history. My favorite gingerbread man is Gingy from Shrek because he is a smart butt...kinda like me. I do not really like the taste of gingerbread men. I can't call it my favorite cookie...in fact I don't get much more than a bite in my mouth before my stomach starts turning. They do smell good when you bake them and they are something fun to do. I suggest trying it as a tradition to everyone. The kids will love it.

Year in the life of Dez...day 36

Traditions at Christmas...

I asked Jack today what his favorite part of Christmas has been so far. His initial answer was a shrug with a hummed "I don't know". Now how many of you just hummed that to yourself?

So I started naming some of our traditions off to him and he really perked up when I said candy canes. He ate almost every one off our tree.

Now if you look at candy canes these days there are so many different kind. I picked up the "Sweet Tart" ones to mix it up a bit. They were these fun bright colors with bright colored stripes. They tasted like sweet tarts and were surprisingly good. Jack really thought so.

Some people don't know the story behind candy canes. So I thought I'd research it a tiny bit so I could get the story right.

(story according to: http://www.kidtokid.org/candycanestory.html)

A candy maker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would remind people of the true meaning of Christmas; so he made the candy cane to incorporate several symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy. White to symbolize the Virgin Birth and the sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock, the foundation of the Church, and the firmness of the promises of God.

The candy maker then shaped his cane into the form of a "J" to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to the earth as Savior. It could also represent the staff of the "Good Shepherd" with which He reaches down to to reclaim the fallen lambs who, like sheep, have gone astray.

Thinking that the candy was somewhat plain, the candy maker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the stripes of the scourging Jesus received. The large red stripe was for the blood shed by Christ on the cross so that we could have the promise of eternal life.

So... now you know the story I have always heard about them. Now, that isn't to say that the first candy canes were made by this Indiana candy maker. Candy canes date back pretty far...the thing the Indiana guy did was make them based on biblical principals. The way they described candy canes being back "back in the day" seemed like hard tedious work...I can only imagine that they had to be incredibly appreciated and expensive. Not like the candy canes of today.

So, where my "sweet Tart" candy canes may not have the biblical reference behind them, they are good and very much enjoyed in my house. I will eat these bright colored, sweet tasting bits of happiness and think about the sacrifice that the Lord gave for me. God, is good...just like sweet tart candy canes.

Year in the life of Dez...day 35

No more babes?


Three years ago (almost) as I was on the table having my section with Jack the Doctor asked, "are you sure, no more babies?". In fact he asked me twice. Both times I hesitated but had made up my mind six months before that I was though with having children. So, I said, "Yes, I'm sure...no more".

Today, I regret that decision. Part of me knows I will never hold another baby in my arms that I gave birth to. It's almost a feeling of being lost as a woman. Part of me really wishes I could have another child. It keeps us young, it keeps us mothers longer. It makes me feel like I have a purpose in my life.

The name Mom, Mother, Mommy, Momma... That is a strong name that I never considered as a young adult. My mom always thought I was horrible with kids. She never thought I would have any. In fact I NEVER held a baby till I held Jakub. Yet, once they handed me that itty bitty bundle I knew exactly what to do and I wasn't scared in the least. All of the pain I had been through was 100% worth it. A mother's love, that shared existence is just something that mothers cannot explain.

So I suppose what my message is today... it would be to think things through before you do them. Especially when it is something LIFE ALTERING like deciding not to have anymore children. It will be something that will effect you in a way I can't explain. So think about it.

Year in the life of Dez...day 34

Winter has arrived...

Technically, by the calendar, it is still "fall". Yet, most of the nation, including us, have snow on the ground. In fact there are some places out there that don't usually get snow and are being blessed with the white stuff.

We have all kinds of snowy fun. Jakub has found a great love for the stuff. He would wallow around in it if I would let him. Now Jack...Jack not so much. He was so cute last year when he would step in 3 inches of snow. He would scream "I's Stuck, I's Stuck". A Memory I will always savor.

I haven't been skiing...I am afraid I will break my neck as clumsy as I am. We haven't had the delight of a snow-mobile ride yet either. Our winter sport is SLEDDING! We love it! Jakub and Jay went for a little bit yesterday before we had to run to Sandpoint. I think that it was more Jay pulling Jake around the woods though because we didn't have a whole ton of time.

I can say that I enjoy winter more this year. I am not scared of the roads like I was last year. I don't white knuckle drive anymore. I have learned the what to's and what not to's of snowy roads. I think maybe sometimes I am just a little too cocky though.

As my friend Susan says, our yard looks like something out of Narnia. The trees are weighted down with newly fallen snow. It's another fun thing we like to do when all cozied up. It doesn't take much to get the snow to fall out of the tree...just a little bump and the snow all falls down with enough force to sweep your hair for a few seconds. It's really fun to get someone that isn't suspecting anything... just a little knock and they are in snow covered fun.

As I was walking through the woods yesterday to take pictures the trees were having a snowy domino effect on one another. One would shed which would cause the next and so on and so forth. It was pretty... and COLD to experience.

Year in the life of Dez...day 33

How it came to be...

I am asked on many occasions how we found ourselves in Montana. My Friend Lauri Howard suggested I do a blog about it. So here goes...

While I was pregnant with Jack we put our house up for sale in Mississippi. It was no "new" news to anyone how much I didn't like living there. Mississippi never felt like home to me and it took me nearly 10 years to convince my husband that his life-long home was not mine. Sure, I endured it because I love Jason.

It took me at least 5 years to really get settled in and to make friends. Now part of that was due to my personality. If you know me well you know that I have a Brain to mouth filter that sometimes goes on the blink. Not so much now as I used to. But, I had a tendency to offend people very easily. On top of it...you can't make friends when you never leave the house except to work. I just never felt like I was accepted, and then when I was I really knew how to choose them... AHH (I had some real nightmare friendships).

When we put our house on the market it wasn't to move away from Corinth, but more to move away from the area we lived in. I suppose I thought if we could get out from under the noses of my husbands entire family that I could start making a life for us. Never before, till I moved to Mississippi did I see entire families living in the same neighborhood. Me, lacking in the family department, didn't appreciate the over communion.

Well, the house didn't sell so we decided to fix it up. We remodeled the entire house, gutted the kitchen, gutted the bathrooms...it was really pretty when we got finished. It was during this time...which all of this took about a year... that Jason agreed to move. So we started praying about where God wanted us. So one day, after about a month of looking Jason suggested I center my search on Montana.

After about 6 months of applying to jobs...interviewing and getting back answers of NO... did someone seriously give us a bite. We flew into Spokane (SPOH- CAN, for you southerners to learn to pronounce correctly) and had our interview with Monarch School the next day. It was in July of 2008 and for us it was the trip of a lifetime. NEVER, in 1 MILLION years, did I think I'd get to see this part of the country. We fell in love immediately with the mountains and the lake. It had to be the most beautiful place either of us had ever seen.

We flew back home and began packing in anticipation of hopefully moving to the wilderness. We put our house back on the market and began tons of faith filled prayer.

1 Month Seems like an eternity when waiting on news that will change your whole families life. We eventually got the call though and they wanted Jason to start in October. By this time it was close to the end of August. We worried a little about the move, how we were going to afford it and would Jason need to go before us to find a place while we sold the house and I still worked... But ever complex puzzle piece fit together like it was magic.

We said goodbye to all of our friends and love ones and began our trek across the states the week before Jason had to start work. We drove through states we had never been through and saw sights we thought we would never see... Rushmore, the Badlands...
When we arrived in Keystone, SD we received a call from our realtor saying we sold the house.

We have had a whole TON of "firsts" since we have been here. The beauty of Montana and the seasons here have provided the greatest adventure of our lives. This last winter we saw between 10-20 feet of snow. We have gone mountain climbing, quading, swam in the most clear blue-green waters, seen Yellowstone and Glacier National Parks, seen animals we never thought we would see... it has really been the most amazing year ever. Jakub, Jack and I flew back home this summer... it was their first plane ride. We drove back across the states and saw even more than we had the first time....making sure we went a different route so the kids could say they have seen and visited new places. On top of it we have created lifelong bonds here that can never be replaced or forgotten. People here are so very accepting and genuine.

Nothing can replace our amazing year here... Now we look ahead to the future and wonder what God has in store for us. Right now we are looking forward to Christmas and hopefully some more snow. We have only had 6 inches or so this year...I am waiting to see some white stuff and hopefully have our SECOND white Christmas.

Year in the life of Dez...day 32

Stuck, in more ways than one.

So sometimes my "creative genius" flies out the window. I get on a roll when I start out and then BAH...slam...wall.

I am really not any sort of creative genius. I write about what is real to me. Right now I am not able to write about what is really on my mind. It's not anything bad, just something I cannot really talk about at the moment. So when you have something that takes up most of your thought process it is really hard to find the fun, quirky and inspirational things that you are supposed to be writing about.

So I am asking you, as my reader to give me some fun ideas to write about. Something that you would like to see from my point of view... maybe something you are struggling with or something just plain ole' fun.

I don't want to stall out here, but sometimes even writers need a good swift kick in the bootay.

Year in the life of Dez...day 31

The weather outside is FRIGHTFUL

We decided to find snow today. To do that, if it isn't on the ground at home, you must take to the mountains. We waited pretty late in the day to venture out...so the sun had gone down for the most part. It was 7 degrees outside and the wind was blowing which made it negative something. Now add to that going up in elevation and that makes it in the negative teens. On our way in I saw one of the most beautiful Moose I have ever seen. She was dark Chocolate brown. I still get excited over seeing them.

We got in about 12 miles and found a nice hill to sled on. I was planning on taking a family picture while up there. So while I was setting up the camera Jason and Jake went to the sledding hill and to investigate some tracks on the hill. Through my gloves I wasn't getting the camera set up right so I had to get the gloves off. After about 2 minutes of that I felt my fingers turning to ROCK and decided it was time to GO. Yeah, ouch. Jay and Jake didn't put up much of a fight about it, they got 2 really fast runs in and were pretty much right along with my sentiments.

I can see now how people get in trouble up in the mountains during winter time. They underestimate the temps, or the amount of stuff they have on...maybe don't pack blankets and shovels in the vehicle... go somewhere they shouldn't without the right amount of Gas. Maybe they are sightseeing and find themselves off the road in a place that isn't so well traveled. Folks, especially those wet behind the winter ears as we are MUST be careful and plan.

So, enjoy this winter...just be careful at it.

Year in the life of Dez...day 30

Unsure...

A couple of day ago a thought passed through my mind. I was thinking back almost 3 years ago to when my youngest child, Jack, was born...or about to be. I can remember how totally unsure I was about having a second child. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to love it as much as I did Jake. I was scared that Jakub would hate me forever for having a baby. I can remember many times going into the shower and just crying over the uncertainty of all of it.

A few nights before Jack was born I can remember singing our bedtime song to Jakub, playing with his little locks of hair and holding back the tears because I thought after I had a baby that Jake would be too big for singing and petting. I held his tiny little hand in mine as he went to sleep knowing that things were about to change and I didn't know if it was going to be for the better or worse.

The day before I became scheduled for a c-section was when we found out that the little girl we were planning on having was gonna be our little Jack man. "Ah, look at the testicles" is how my doctor broke it to me. We had planned for a little girl for 6 months. It was such a slap in the face. I think Jason and I were both totally stunned. We panicked and Jason was sent on a mission to buy little boy clothes.

I drove to the hospital next morning... I needed to. I was stressed and I do better when I am in "total" control. As soon as we pulled into the hospital parking lot I threw my door open and barfed. Yep, that was the best way I can put it. In fact, I was so nervous I barfed the rest of the morning and begged for something for my nerves. I am sure I wasn't a plesant person to be around.

That being said... and know that I did suffer from light post-pardum depression. It took me a few weeks to get into the swing of things and to accept my life as a mother of 2. Jack has always been loved, even more now that ever. He is an AMAZING kid that I wouldn't change for anything in the world... ANYWAY.

When I got Jack home I can remember holding him and pitting his little hand in mine. Jakub came to check things out and I put his hand in my vacant one. It hit me then that Jake wasn't the itty bitty baby that I thought he was. His hand in mine looked different now. It wasn't as tiny as it had been the few days before. He seemed like such a big boy now.

So with all of that said...our struggles in life are in the eye of the beholder. We can make them as big or as small as we want to. No matter what they are just the same as they were yesterday and they may or may not be the same tomorrow. Take one day at a time, things that seem HUGE usually in hindsight are very small... or vise-vera.

Take every day as it comes... we are only promised what we have in the moment so make the moment the best you can.

Year in the life of Dez...day 29

Not as young as I once was...

I was in a playful mood last night. I get great joy out of aggravating my family...picking and teasing. I am one of those people who love to wrestle. I think I always will be.

Last night I was in a tickle session with my husband. Unluckily I was sitting in the computer chair when he grabbed my foot to tickle it. I jumped and threw myself backward to get away from him and the chair toppled over. It wasn't funny at the time...in fact I cried ever so slightly because I hit my head and my right shoulder on our massive entertainment center. Sure, it hurt and it was 100% my fault for UNDER-calculating the force I used to throw myself away from the ever present danger of foot torture.

It wasn't till this morning that I realized I am not as young as I once was. The right side of my body feels like it has been hit by a MAC TRUCK.

So at what point do our bodies change so much that something that would have not really bothered you much 5-10 years ago makes you feel like an 80 year old today? I would like to thank my husband for coming to my rescue, he didn't laugh at me, not even once. I would have totally laughed at him. He is such a good man.

The lump on my head is gone this morning, it still hurts. My pride...my pride REALLY hurts. In a week I am going to be laughing about it... but not today. Ouch.

Year in the life of Dez...day 28

And I give thanks...

Tomorrow is a day we set aside for Thanksgiving. The thing is, we should be thankful EVERY DAY. Though I agree with the premise of thanksgiving. It gives us a reason to thank our loved ones and thank the Lord for the blessings we have.

My family has a Thanksgiving tradition. A few years ago I set aside a NO FAMILY invited thanksgiving. We were going through some junk with our family at the time. It was fun and we had a blast with our friends. After that I have always done Thanksgiving at our house. Anyone was invited...just like now. The people that are in our lives are there for a reason and I absolutely love all of you. So if you don't have anywhere to go for Turkey Day tomorrow come on over... we can have a hodge podge of "family" Thanksgiving.

That said...we have traditions just like everyone else. We have Thanksgiving lunch...the usual, Turkey, Dressing, Mashed Potatoes, Mac and Cheese (this was for Chelsea), Hashbrown Casserole (for me), Rolls (for Jason), green Bean Casserole (cause WHO doesn't have that), jibblet and a HUGE assortment of desserts. The menu is just about the same every year. After dinner we usually NAP and then we put up our Christmas tree.

The kids are really excited about the Christmas tree this year, especially Jakub.

Traditions are VERY important. It give us something to look forward to every year. It give our kids something to talk about when they get older. It makes us look forward to time with family and friends. So set some traditions this year... or if you have some tell us about yours!

Year in the life of Dez...day 27

What does your life revolve around?

With teary eyes on a daily basis my little guy, Jack, usually lets me know that he cannot locate his "nasty wooby". His Godmother, Chelsea, gave me a blanket right before Jack was born when she was moving and cleaning out stuff. This blanket was one of those really soft fleece blankets and I tried to get Jakub to use it, but he had "Ling-Ling" (a panda bear he picked all the fuzz off of and ATE!!) as his wooby and had no interest in this blanket. It wasn't long after Jack was born that he took up with wooby, even to the point where we couldn't leave it behind anywhere without total meltdown.

After a few "leave behinds" we cut wooby into 1/4ths so that we would always have a clean one and would hopefully always have one. In the last year wooby has become "nasty wooby". Even though we cut it into 4 pieces, he has to have the one that smells JUST right. You could hand him any of the others, but if it isn't the ONE then it doesn't matter. When "nasty" wooby gets washed, he adopts the next nastiest one. It's fairly disgusting to think about, but it's HIS WOOBY, it gives him comfort.

A little over 6 months ago I truly thought that I would suck my thumb till I died. Yep... I am one of those weird people who drew comfort from my thumb. I have no idea what I got from it, and when asked what flavor it was I replied "vanilla"... though it didn't taste a lick like vanilla. It was my vice...though honestly, not anymore.

Everyone has a vice, everyone has "issues" and everyone lets things control them. I wouldn't really say that Jack's wooby controls him, but he needs it to relax. After I quit the "thumb issue" it would take me hours a night to lay down and actually go to sleep. I was missing something that HELPED me relax. Just like Jack, if he didn't have nasty wooby at night he would most certainly cry himself to sleep.

Does that make me ANY different from folks out there that have bigger vises? People that suffer from addictions to drugs, alcohol, relationships??? Nope, in my opinion it doesn't. You have to get to the root of the vice to solve it and not need it anymore.

So how did I stop may you ask? It was the weirdest thing. I have, for years, struggled with headaches. So one morning in the shower I was praying over them. A few moments after I ended my prayer it was almost as if someone whispered in my ear... "Your thumb, you idiot...GEEZ!" Now, I really don't think God would call me an idiot, but sometimes it takes shock therapy to work with me. So since that moment I have not even had a second of "I NEED".

I know you are all laughing at me... and I am okay with that. I'm not embarrassed anymore, I can laugh about it. I look back at the years I hid it and realized I was honestly NO different from anyone else that hides a habit.

So what are you hiding today...anything you want to change?

Year in the life of Dez...day 26

Slacking...

I had an excuse for a couple of days there. My husband was on vacation and I just wanted to spend time with him. Yesterday, I really didn't have a good excuse. My hubby was pukey all night the night before and I couldn't make myself wake up. I was lazy allllllll day yesterday.

I suppose there are some times that we just need to take a break from it all and zone out sometimes. It's probably not so good for us, but it felt good.

I did, on the otherhand find last night that anger is a HUGE motivator for me. As I went to the mailbox and opened a bill from the dentist we just saw I couldn't help but see red. Sometimes in life we are faced with those moments that we completely flip out over something like a ridiculous bill.

The point isn't that I really liked the doctor and his staff, and his nice new high-tech building (which I will be paying the mortgage on this month)... the point is that their services are horridly priced and my insurance only payed $100.00 of the $500.00 bill. So not only did I get slapped in the face by said Doctor, I also got slapped in the face by my "fee-scheduled" insurance company. What for... they cleaned my children's teeth...wow, something I do everyday at home.

Yeah, I am ticked...was it my fault... yep! I picked the doctor, and I didn't check the schedule on the insurance. So mostly I am ticked at my lack of "thouroughness" (if that is even a word".

So, when I get ticked I work. I usually clean. Jason used to tick me off on purpose to get me to clean. Now my kitchen SPARKLES. In fact I took things apart and cleaned them...even the coffee pot. So I suppose out of all of this I was productive!

Another thing I do when I get mad is cry. It is a horrible little thing I do when I feel like I am out of control of a situation. When I get mad I cry...I can't control that part either... it just happens. Emotion is something I wear on my sleeve. I take it as a sign of weakness. I wish I could be like the people who through most everything are calm and collected. Nope, if you look at me wrong I cry...seriously, stop looking at me like that.

Year in the life of Dez...day 25

Bad decisions?


I haven't written in SEVERAL days. My husband has been on vacation and I have been trying to spend tons of time with him. I have had a fabulous day up until tonight. I was frustrated with some things that have happened over the last few weeks and I was venting to my MIL. Apparently my MIL has had some pent up anger for some time that she let over-flow and spill out tonight. What are her complaints may you ask? Well just about everything Jason and I have done in the last year.

Complaint 1- We sold our house and it just shows how ungrateful we were because she gave it to Jason.

I will address that one with...I HATED THAT HOUSE! It wasn't our house it was her house that she built with her ex-husband. I am grateful we had it for the 10 years that we did, but I never felt that it was "our" house.

Complaint 2- We have no money. If she had known we were going to be in the shape we are currently in she would have never moved up here and she would have saved her money that she used to move up here for us to have now.

Yeah, we aren't rich, WHO IS these days?

Complaint 3- Our children do not have the security of a "Home".

I explained to her that a HOUSE does NOT make a home, that the love we share as a family is what makes a home. My children are happy and content. We will "buy" a house one day, when we are ready to.

Complain 4- Still on the security issue... That I have never known what poverty feels like.

This is where she is totally wrong. I remember living in my Dad's truck for weeks, not having Christmas under the tree...NOT HAVING FOOD for that matter... but I have never known what povery feels like. I explained that to her.

I made sure to let her know how I felt too... that I didn't appreciate that she didn't support how we did things, that we were living our lives how we want to and that as a family we are stronger than ever.

So now, I sit totally ticked off, steaming inside and this is what I do... I air it out to the whole world.

I PRAY my kids never know the life that my husband or I either had to go through as children. I pray that the economy gets better. I pray that all of our hopes and dreams as a family come true. Right now... I feel like we are kinda puttering out, but does that make my faith waiver? NO!!! I feel slightly homesick, I feel like I wish there were jobs here Montana that I could go to work for to help contribute to our financial success. Does anyone know what the future holds? Absolutely not. All we can do it sit back, relax and live day by day. That's all we a guaranteed anyway. I wanna scream...I wanna scream, I wanna scream...Maybe a good cry would help.

Year in the life of Dez...day 24

VETS DAY...


When I was in High School I honestly didn't figure that I was going to get into ANY sort of college. I had applied, but my grades were mediocre at best. I had quit trying completely. There were several options that went through my head. One was going to the local community college to become a paramedic. The other was to join the Air-Force.

I had spoken with a recruiter several times. They seemed very enthusiastic and I seemed wanted. I had nearly made up my mind to sign the papers when my acceptance letter to UT-Martin came in the mail. I was ecstatic to say the least that a college wanted me. So the Air Force fell behind the vail of what every kid was supposed to do... go to school and become something.

Hindsight makes me kick myself for not serving for a little while. I really think it would have given me discipline that, even today, I need. Yet, at the same time, I wouldn't have met my husband when I did and wouldn't have the fabulous family that I do now.

Now I think about the future... when my children are old enough to make the decision for themselves. I am greedy and selfish and think about the friends I have out there NOW. I worry about those that I know who are serving... I remember weeks ago thinking one of them might possibly have been hurt in some of the Afgan conflict. How could I possibly let my children serve, even if they begged me to. I know it won't be my decision to make.

I want to take a second, to thank those of you who ARE BRAVE, who DO SACRIFICE... you are in my prayers and honestly I am so proud to call you my friends. I am the one who is blessed to know you. So please God, keep them safe, send your angels of protection to watch over them until they make it home safely to their families. Surround them with your AMAZING love and help settle them when they are afraid. Send them friends that will be with them when they are feeling alone.

If I can do ANYTHING for you please let me know. You save me and my family everyday and I couldn't be more honored. You guys are so very special! Happy Vets Day to you.

Year in the life of Dez...day 23

Lables...

Have you ever been asked to describe yourself without telling what you are or what you do? Like... you can't say I am an office manager, mother, christian...

If I had to describe myself it would be thus:

I am and energetic, loyal, happy, free thinking female who loves with all her heart and wears emotion on her sleeve.

Most of us identify ourselves with what we are or what we do. Sure, we may be really good at those things, but that isn't WHO WE ARE. People tend to label others in order to associate or connect with them. A Christian usually associates with other Christians... a Mother with other Mothers... A business man with other business men. I am sure you get my point.

I pride myself on my ability to connect with ALL different types of people. I try not to put myself in a mold, or label myself as anything but a person. I can remember my college Room-mate making the comment once that she was amazed that I could be friends with our Suite mates AND be really good friends with a girl who led an alternative lifestyle. She stated that because they were totally opposite people. I think I just shrugged and said "Yeah".

Another thing I wonder about a lot is... What do people think of me. Not in a bad way or in a way that effects the way I am...or the way I react... but in a way that I am curious. When People see me, or talk to me for the first time, what are they thinking?

There is a song that Willy Porter has called "Paper Airplane" and in the story behind the song is: One day after he had just moved into an apartment he was looking out his window. When he looked down into a window of another tenant he saw a naked woman standing there. It isn't a perverse song at all... it is more like he is "looking into the soul" of this woman trying to figure her out.

I was thinking today, when people see me... what do they see (other than the crazy lady driving down the road singing in the car at the top of her voice)? Do I exude any qualities? I want to... I want to exude the statement I made above. So do I? What do you exude?

Year in the life of Dez...day 22

Hopes up?


Yeah, I get my hopes up...often. A great deal of those times my hopes are dashed. Have you ever heard the song "Thank God for unanswered prayers". There are so many times I can say that as well. Everything from praying over a really crappy teenage romance to praying about schools or jobs...and having it all fall through. Now that I look back on those thing I can see why God didn't see it in my stars.

The problem usually is this... while you are in that moment, praying over something you deem terribly important and it isn't answered the way YOU want it to be answered is so very frustrating. It usually isn't till you have hind-sight that you go "OH! DUH!!!Now I get it".

I am very thankful for many of God's unanswered prayers. Sometimes it would be easier knowing how it's all gonna turn out though. :0)

Year in the life od Dez...day 21

Communication is key...



I am not saying that my husband and I never argue or have the "perfect" marriage but we try really hard and love each other very much. One big thing in our relationship is the ability to communicate with one another. Sure, sometimes I don't like hearing what he has to say, but eventually it sinks in.

So many times, all too often, marriages end. People state one reason or another for it... sometimes I can understand the reasoning behind it...other times I cannot. Marriage, these days and in my opinion, is too easily dissolved. Folks quit trying WAY too easily.

One of the main reason couples quit trying is because of lack of communication. You may hear a woman complaining about something her husband does or does not do. When asked if she has discussed it with him the answer is usually no. Why, in a relationship that is totally supposed to be based on trust and communication, is there no trust and communication? Sometimes I think if we were not afraid to open our mouths things would be so much better. This goes for ANY type of relationship, marriages, friendships...parents, kids. Why are we so afraid to state how we "feel"?

So maybe, take a moment and think about some of those relationships out there and how you can make them better.

Own up to your faults too though...

Year in the life of Dez...day 20

Don't, Don't, Don't beat your kids...

Yeah, I am singing that to the tune of Yo-Gabba-Gabba's Don't bite your friends. Today, I want to pull my hair out. Most of the time I have the best, most darling kids on the face of the EARTH. They are usually polite, calm, and typical boys. Today... both of them melted down at the same time. Jake is mad at me for not trading out his treasure toy. Jack.. I'm not exactly sure why he is totally ticked at me.

The thing I am proud of Jakub about is, today, for the first time, he talked to our friend Tom about why he was angry with him. He had a "grown up" conversation about how he was feeling and why he reacted the way he did.

It is important for our children to understand why we react the way we do, but it is also important for them to tell us why they are upset. Our kids need to know that they can communicate with us for whatever reason they need to. Our kids feelings are important and should NOT be suppressed. I know my "raising" taught me not to talk about ANYTHING. I was taught to shut up...to not ask questions and never ever talk back. So what does that teach us to do. That teaches us NOT to speak up for ourselves and that our feelings don't matter.

I want my children to always be able to talk to us about how they feel. How will I be able to fix things if I only know one side of things? Sure, I know why I am upset, but I won't be able to fix the problem if I don't know what caused it in the first place. A Lot of the time the way Jakub reacts to something is solely caused by something I have done...or haven't done. All I know is he is acting out and I am upset with him because of it.

Think about this... what if your child is acting out because that is the only way they can get attention from you. What if your child is acting out because they know that's the quickest way to get a response from you. What if you child is acting out because they don't like what YOU are doing? Yes, Parents, we can screw up sometimes too!

So when you are reprimanding your child next time, stop... take a deep breath, and sit down and TALK to your child. Hear them and then let them hear you... communication is a WONDERFUL thing. Not just with your kids but with the adults in your life too.

Year in the life of Dez...day 19

Attitude...


All I really have to say today is if you have a nasty attitude about something you are only making it worse for yourself. If you hate your job, your situation, your surroundings, your...whatever then you are the ONLY one who can change it. Until it changes you are the only one who can change how you feel about it. If you hate where you work and you just know you are gonna have a crappy day today then guess what....you are gonna have a crappy day today. If you decide that you hate work, but you are gonna make the best of it...then you will more than likely have a little bit better time...when you let yourself.

In the meantime...search for something better, pray the circumstances change or bear down and go about it. Otherwise you are going to spend a great deal of time being miserable. Rome didn't change in a day and sometimes we are supposed to be patient because there is something we are supposed to learn from our situation. Look at poor old Job!

So, if you need help with that today... read the book of job over the next few days, weeks...or however long it takes you. I promise, it will make your issues seem so much smaller.

Year in the life of Dez...day 18

The Best is not always THE BEST...


I went to Jakub's parent teacher conference today. Most everything he is doing is right on task... he is behind in a few areas, but it's stuff we can work on easily.

I think once I left I started thinking about some things. I suppose I started beating myself up for Jake NOT knowing how to count to 100 yet. I remember when I was in Kindergarten a million years ago that I had to know my 1's, 5's and 10's before we graduated to the first grade. I always knew that I would have REALLY bright kids that would pick up on everything easily. You know what... I STOPPED beating myself and got over it!

No, my child couldn't read when he was 2, he didn't know all 50 states at 1.5 and cannot recite all of the presidents and what state they are from. He doesn't play an instrument by ear, he is not a savant of any kind. Jakub is Jakub and I am 100% okay with that. To me it is far more important for him to have a childhood than for me to beat education into his head. I am NOT saying that education isn't important. It is VERY important and I want Jake to do well in school. I am just not the kind of parent that makes my kid learn how to read while I am still pregnant with them (I am sure that's what is next).

I want Jakub to dream and to succeed. I think it is far too often that parents put these ridiculous expectations on their kids. It's like they are trying to live through them. If they didn't do it right the first time then by George their kids are going to learn from the ways that THEY messed up in life.

Sure, if that's how it worked...but guess what...it doesn't and you are raising RESENTFUL children that will probably dislike you VERY much one day.

Let your children learn, be supportive... but don't be too hard on them. I promise, they will get it one day.

Proverbs 13:10- By pride comes nothing but strife, But with the well advised it is wisdom.

Year in the life of Dez...day 17

Patience is a virtue...right?


I have spoken before about losing my childhood and innocence early. I was telling Jason's Mom just the other day that when I was 5 I was already staying by myself. I look at my babies and imagine letting Jakub (who is six) be alone at home. There is NO WAY on Earth I would let that little fellow stay all alone. I wonder sometimes how I survived...then I think back and don't remember anything bad happening... pfft. My neighbor and I set the woods on fire... But who hasn't done that as a kid? The first time I got pulled over was when I was 9 years old...and I didn't realize I wasn't supposed to be on the road with my motorbike ("sure officer, I'll show you where I live so you can talk to my Daddy").

My father was patient, he really had no choice but to be patient with me. I was hard headed and quite a loner before I even hit the second grade.I can remember getting spankings from him every once in a while... but not very often. He was mostly absent, absent asleep or trying to find a job to support us.

Sometimes I catch myself being really hard on my kids. I think sometimes I recognize that hard headedness in them that developed quickly in me. I don't want them to be like me...though, would that be a really bad thing??? I am a pretty good gal, right? The thing is... I have a 2 year old and a 6 year old. Sometimes I think I expect them to be "grown"...to be more independent...to make the right decisions. THEY ARE BABIES!!!!!!!!!!! What is wrong with me?? I preach and preach about keeping kids innocent, yet there are times I lose complete patience with them.

So, I suppose my whole point today is kids are gonna be kids...let them. If they spill milk (like Jake did last night) just relax and get them to help you clean it up. There is NOTHING in this world that is more important than the flesh and blood that we a raising. So if your child gets sand in the house, or spills their milk on the computer... if they are bickering like cats and dogs... don't over-react...just remember that they are kids, they have to learn through trial and error. If they ruin something...it's just a THING. Our children are way more important than anything we could possess and they need to know that. So next time you are starting to lose patience, put yourself in their shoes for a second. Think about how you were just about to react and think about how a 6 year old would react to your explosion. Be loving and react in love instead of anger. Be the person that you want them to grow up to be.

James 1:3-5 - knowing that all of the testing of your faith produces patience. But let the patience have it's perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask it from God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

Year in the life of Dez...day 16

Nuff Said...


Today, STOP what you are doing. Make a list of the people who matter to you and let them know you love and appreciate them. Don't just say: I appreciate you and love you. TELL THEM... TELL THEM WHY!


Jason: I love you, you are a fabulous Father and a God sent partner. You work hard and are diligent in your efforts to make everyone happy and to provide for your family. I appreciate everything you do even when I don't show it. You are special and anointed with God's love, power and blessings. Thank you.

Linda- You love my boys with such unconditional love. You help me everyday without any complaint. You have been an unwavering support for me. I DO NOT say enough how much I love you and appreciate all you do and I am sorry. You are simply Amazing and the best grandmother I could have ever wished for my children to have. Thank you.

Jakub Evan: My first Born...you have an innocence that I appreciate and never want to see go. You love me even when I make you mad. You are so strong and adaptable, you are your father made over. You are so strong and bright, so handsome and loving. You are so loving and fun. You make the sun rise in my day. I love you... Thank you.

Jack Ethan: My baby boy... You crack me up on a daily basis. I cringe when I see the me come out in you...but I know one day you will have spunk and I'll have someone to contend with. You are so calm in spirit and such a good cuddle buddy. It's like you know when I need to be loved. You amaze me daily with the things you do and say, you are so smart and funny. You make the sun set in my day. I love you... Thank you.

Now, that takes care of the people in my house. I could go on and on and on...

Take the time, I promise everyone needs to hear kind words sometimes.

I have to quote the love chapter again today... I Corinthians 13.

year in the life of Dez...day 15

Rushing, Rushing, Wishing, Wishing...


I have had the conversation with Jakub several times about "wishing" things away. I wish I was bigger, I wish I could do ____________ but I'm not old enough... Wishing time away. I know all kids do it. I did it when I was little. I just look back now and wish I hadn't wished so much time away. So when Jakub starts his wishing away I cringe.

I like to tell Jake that he has ALL his life to be an adult and only a tiny bit of time to be a child. I even tell him that Mommy wants to be a kid again sometimes. Adults have responsibility that kids don't factor in to their wishings. I know that children will never understand that until they are in the adult world, but I can waste a little oxygen to TRY and tell Jake that.

Even as adults we spend a LOT of time wishing away time. "When I lose weight", "When we have a house", "When things settle down", "I can't wait to retire when I'm __________ ", "When the kids get older"... It is all time spent wishing for our future. Sure, I think we should plan for our future, but what is wrong with living today? What is wrong with just stopping and smelling the roses and believing in what you have. Are things really gonna be that much better "when"? We all have hopes and dreams, but should we wish our lives away wishing and hoping for them...Why not start working on them but enjoying what we have NOW.

I am 100% guilty of doing these things. I rush and rush through a day and don't take time to enjoy what I have spread before me. On top of that... "I'll do it tomorrow" plays in A HECK of a lot. So, as the old saying goes, "Why put off tomorrow what can be done today?".

So is there anything you have been putting off that you KNOW should be done now? How about embracing your family...your friends and taking the time to spend QUALITY time with them. I think that is where I will start today.

I John 2:16-17 - For all that is in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes,, and the pride of life - is not of the Father but is of the World. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.

Year in the life of Dez... day 14

Glorification

I am writing day 14 a touch early...it may not even show up till tomorrow. That would work out just fine too. Halloween is tomorrow and I see us being quite busy. So, while I have this on my mind I am going to go ahead and blog about it.

We were just sitting here watching television and yet ANOTHER commercial for Michael Jackson came on. Since he has died he has been on TV and in the media more than he ever was alive. If you think about it, he was usually ONLY in the news for idiotic crap at that.

I am not one to knock a person when they are dead. I am not trying to be cruel in this post. I want to make a point and I am going to try to do it in the best way that I know how.

Right now the media is glorifying Michael Jackson. They are blaming EVERYONE else for his addiction issues. The problem with that is MICHALE JACKSON is the one who had the issue. He is the one who doped up and payed doctors to dope him up. Yet, it is EVERYONE elses fault that he is dead today. I don't quite understand that.

I have also heard folks say that even though he was a drug addict that he was a fabulous father. GIVE. ME. A. BREAK. No parent that is a drug addict is a fabulous parent. Can we use the word DENIAL here? Please?
I know that the kids are the ones who are suffering now. I feel bad for them for losing their father.

Also, just out of curiosity, how many times was this man accused of sexual misconduct with a minor child? Have you ever heard the expression "when there is smoke there is fire". I don't know the details of all the allegations...I do know that at least one of them was "settled out of court".

So why, today, after the man has died of a drug overdose, do we GLORIFY him in the manner that he is being glorified? I have seen his name in the media so much and frankly I am sick of it. It is like everyone FORGOT how he lived so that they can glorify him in death. I just don't understand. I don't get it... I just don't. If you can explain it to me than please do so!

I am not saying that we should beat the man down for what he did. I am not saying don't forgive him... I just don't think we should look past it to make him out to be some sort of magical icon...because in reality...he was just a human, just like you and me.

Romans 1:24-25 - Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanliness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

year in the life of Dez...day 13

ehhh...


So I didn't really pray about what I am supposed to write about today. I didn't take the time to start my morning out by writing. Today has been a busy day, it has been cloudy and dreary and I have pretty much been a negative nilly all day. So, enough said... I have no wisdom to pass along today, no inspiration...In fact, today, I don't have much of anything to offer.

Maybe just a verse from my bible...

Psalms 18:1- I will love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my Rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Year in the life of Dez...day 12

Put a stop to stopping disappointments...


My family has been praying a lot these days. I won't go into detail about what we are "going through" yet. We are not having any kind of family issues at all so don't worry about us...we are just waiting to hear from God on some things. Well as we are waiting and being patient I got some slightly disappointing news yesterday as an answer.

I started the quick, self defeating spiral down before I caught myself. When I did catch myself I thought...OH YE' of Little faith...shame on you. Just because I got an answer I didn't like doesn't mean there isn't a different option out there!~

There are so many times we give up because we get blowing disappointments. I really DO NOT think we are supposed to give up with that much ease. We are supposed to be diligent and have more faith than that!

So when you feel like you have had one hard blow after another don't give up! Giving up is Way too easy...what is hard is being patient and waiting.

So if you have an issue in your life that you feel like will NEVER resolve itself...just hang in there. Do NOT give up... Look at Moses, it took him 40 years to get where he was going and he really didn't get to step foot on his promised land...he got a glimpse though and I am sure that glimpse was worth while.

Luke 8:15- " But the ones that fell on the good ground are those who, having heard the word with a noble and good heart, keep it and bear fruit with patience.

year the life of Dez....day 11

Outside influence...


From a child we are taught not to be negatively influenced by others. We are taught...Just say not to drugs, just say no to pre-marital sex, just say no to negative things your friends want you to do and just say no to letting people affect your self image. Sometimes people told us why they wanted us to follow the "just say no's" sometimes we were just told to listen without explanation. Most of the time I was never told WHY I should just say no... just SAY NO already.

As adults I think sometimes our friends and family influence us too much. I really believe that everyone operates different. A situation that might be handled a certain way by one person might be operated an entirely different way by another. Sometimes we might witness something... let me give an example... I live a mile away from the post office and sometimes I let my babies ride in the front seat of the car. Now if I lived in the South still I am MORE THAN CERTAIN that if someone saw me do that they would no doubt be on the phone in a nano-second reporting me to 911 for child endangerment. So I wouldn't let my children do that if I still lived in the South because of what someone else might do or say about it. That makes me "wishy-washy".

So what am I trying to say today? Well I think mostly it's this: Stick to your convictions, stick to your decisions and always always always follow your heart... and pray about it. Make decisions with GODS help because he is the only one who truly matters.

I Corinthians 12:31- But earnestly desire the best gifts, and yet I show you a more excellent way.

Year in the life of Dez...day 10

Do you do what you do?

As I was taking Jakub to school today I couldn't help but reflect on picking him up yesterday. As I was standing in the hall waiting on him I witnessed an interaction between a student and teacher. Now this particular teacher has never seemed incredibly pleasant to me so I wasn't terribly surprised at her interaction with this freshman girl.

I wasn't listening to the conversation, I try really hard not to listen in on peoples private matters. It is one of my weaknesses. But I do pay attention to body language and reactions.

We all know how flaky teenage girls can be...so there really is NO TELLING what the child was saying, the thing that urked me is the fact that this particular teacher was acting more flaking than the teenager. This grown woman, a woman who put herself in school to work with kids, who also signed up to work with teenage girls on an extracurricular basis was acting MORE Catty than this 14 year old.

The child was talking to her...she looked at the girl...rolled her eyes and in the girls mid-sentence walked away and left the girl standing there GAPING with her mouth wide open. I have seen this woman do it before...she HATES her job...or she at least acts like it.

So, what is my point may you ask?

I see it just about daily if I am out. People at Wal-mart act like it isn't their job to help you when their tags read "customer service". A teacher doesn't listen to a child... no matter how trivial the childs needs may be... then they complain that kids don't respect them...or complain about having to help kids. The kid at the fast food window can't believe you drove thru on their shift... Do you get what I am saying here? Doctors complain about their waiting rooms being overloaded... and then treat you like you are a nuisance when you are paying THEM BIG DOLLARS to treat you... HELLO, I am employing you!!! If you have a job...DO THE JOB to the very best of your ability and be GRATEFUL that you have people that help you out by paying your salary!

If you don't like what you are doing, then make a change! BE JOYFUL instead of sour.

James 1:2 My Brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trails, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

year in the life of Dez...day 9

God's favor, God's Will

Earlier this week we had an argument over what we are supposed to pray for. There are so many different people out there telling so many different things. One preacher will tell you that you are ONLY to pray for God's will in you life. There is no choice in the matter...if you pray for the things YOU want then you are not in accordance with God and you are being selfish. Then you have others that tell you you should ask for God's Favor..."ask and ye shall receive". So what is it really? Is anyone besides me confused on the matter?

I don't even have a bible verse to support my confusion today...so maybe y'all can help me.

year in the life of Dez...day 8

I'll make today simple... Go to Church, Study the Bible or switch on the T.V. and listen to something inspirational. Be happy today...just make up your mind and do it! LOVE YOURSELF!!!!

year in the life of Dez...day 7

I'm sorry really means...


There are times my dog really drives me crazy. We bought her a shock collar that apparently doesn't work because she is constantly barking. I know it drive my neighbors batty so I am up and down all day sticking my head out the door telling her to HUSH. I can't help that the big bad chipmunk might get close to the house... or the deer... skunks... or from wrapping herself around a tree 15 times. Sometimes I think Willow is missing some matter up in the cranium.

So as Willows "mother" I am usually the one who has to get her out of her predicaments, I have to correct her and explain away her faults. Willow can't say she is sorry...she can't talk. I know she tries...sometimes. Willow is the prime example of what I think God must feel sometimes after we constantly make mistakes.

When you do something that requires an "I'm Sorry" what you are really saying is "I won't do it again". So many times you see people apologize just to turn right around and do the exact same thing over and over. That is NOT how "I'm Sorry" works.

Same goes for repentance. When you pray for the Lord's forgiveness it doesn't mean you run out and do it again and again because you know that God will forgive you. That isn't how repentance works...and if you are truly sorry...would you really WANT to do the same thing over and over? I think some people pray for forgiveness to clear their guilty feeling, but never actually change the way they function. That is just speculation on my part...and I don't know for sure if God doesn't just clear it off every time you pray.

All I know is if someone apologizes to me and asks for my forgiveness I will certainly give it. Yet, how would you feel if that same person ran out and committed their fault again... then asked for forgiveness for it again...and again...and again. I really don't think I would be inclined to forgive over and over and over. Part of me would feel jilted I think and would lose trust in the person. Maybe that is my human fault.

How do you feel when people hurt you and apologize? What if they did the same thing over and over and continued to ask?

Acts 26:18- "to open their eyes, in order to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who are sanctified by faith in me."

Year in the life of Dez....day 6

I was reading Jakub a book last night and part of it reminded me of something from his "baby-hood". So I promptly stopped the book and told Jake a little story about him and the wind.

When Jake was a baby...and even now... he has always disliked going to sleep. Nap time has always been a nightmare with him and he is just now getting to the point that it isn't a struggle to get him to go to bed at night. He has always wanted the security of someone laying with him till he fell asleep.

One afternoon while I was trying to get him down I heard the wind whipping around the house making that creepy howling sound that you associate with winter...or haunted houses. Jake was probably 2 or 3 years old. He promptly sat up and whispered, "Mommy, what was that". I explained to him that it was just the wind and he should lay back down. Yet every time it howled his eyes would get big again and he would ask again.

So me in my infinite wisdom decided that the wind was talking to Jake. So the next time it whistled around the house and Jake popped up I just consoled him, hugged him up and told him a story. "Jake, the wind is talking to you, just listen".

"What is it saying Mommy", asked Jake.

"It's saying, Gooooooo toooooo slllleeeeeeppp". I said trying not to laugh.

"What else is it saying Mommy?"

"It's telling you that if you go to sleep, by the time you wake up it will have brought Daddy home to you...but it isn't going to go look for Daddy till you Gooooooo tooooooooo sssllllllllllleeeeeeppppp." I said.

Amazingly, Jakub would snuggle up close to me and do exactly what the wind told him to do. So in the future I always hoped the wind would be whipping around the house at nap time.

In telling this cute story I do have a point. During our prayers...even if we take the time to pray...most of us rush through them. We state what we want, need and sometimes we thank God for the things we have. Do you ever take the time to listen? No, God doesn't speak to you out loud... at least he hasn't to me. Usually he speaks to my heart... maybe I will feel at peace about something or I wake up in the morning (or fall asleep at night) thinking about what I need to write about the next day. God, like the wind, has a still small voice that most of us never stop and listen to. At times, even like the wind, his voice can be strong and howling...we just choose not to hear it. Maybe we should stop talking so much and start listening a little... you will never get answers till you do. :0)

John 3:8- "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from or where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the spirit."

Year in the life of Dez... Day 5

Patterns...

I lay awake for a little while last night in between getting toe jabs from my youngest child and sleep. I wondered what I felt led about to write on this morning. It has kinda been on my mind for several days and so I think that is sign enough, right?

Before we moved last year I received the blessing of working in Mental Health for a year and a half. By far, this has been my absolute favorite job ever. I worked with the greatest team of people whom I wish I could have just uprooted and brought with me. The other part of it was I was truly helping people. It also helped me to realize that there were much larger problems out there than the ones I was going through.

We saw an array of issues: drug addiction, phobias and fears, violence and some were even psychotic. The theme we supported there was the people we worked with were honestly at the end of their line. We were their last resort before they were committed or someone else committed them. Most of the time when they met me they were tearful and hyperventilating.

We would get them through the 30-60 day program and see improvement. We would discuss their problems in a group setting so everyone could weigh in on the issues at hand. These folks would either get something from the program and have a life changing experience or we would see them again in the same situation a few months down the line.

The ones we would see again and again and again were those that had created a pattern for their lives. No matter how many times you encouraged them to change the people they surrounded themselves with, or change their lifestyles they would usually be right back. Sometimes it was very discouraging, but after a while I had to realize that they were making the decision to live the life that they were living.

One of the main things we taught was "patterns". People that were having suicidal issues... guess what, most of the time their parents committed suicide. People that were having problems with violence or domestic abuse...their parents abused them. People that had problems with drug abuse grew up with drug abusing parents. A lot of the time these folks wanted to blame their problems on genetics. Sure, you know what, that might be a fraction of the issue but it was their decision to go down that road.

So what am I trying to say this morning? If you had problems growing up... maybe Dad was a alcoholic and beat you during his rages... YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC and BEAT YOUR KIDS. You chose to continue the cycle.

It doesn't even have to be something that drastic. If Mom and Dad didn't show you affection, they weren't the touchy-feely kind... they didn't say I love you enough... they weren't there for you when you needed them... DOES NOT mean you have to be that way with your child. Look at your childhood and figure out what you were missing... look at how you treat and react and show love to your babies today. Are you continuing the cycle?

Well today, guess what...it's okay to break it.

Romans 8:18- For I consider the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Year in the life of Dez...day four

"You hate me"

There is nothing more heart wrenching than when your child says, "You hate me" or "I hate you". It's almost like they know those two phrases are going to be the fatal blow. The most incredible part of the whole thing most of the time is "where did they get the word Hate and how did they learn how to wield it".

I understand the word hate, and as a child once can fully understand the emotion behind the words. A child usually resorts to those words when they are feel the most frustrated...the most "unheard" or the most humiliated. That word is their cuss word.

So last night my child told me I hated him. He has told me that before. It is his last and final weapon for manipulation. All of it stemmed from the fact that I wouldn't give him peanut butter right before bed. A brief struggle ensued and 15 minutes before bedtime turned into an hour after. His weapon of mass destruction didn't work on me this time though. In fact, he had it turned right around on him.

A lesson most people should understand and should teach their children is that people who love each other do not hit or tear each other down. People that love one another look for the best in each other. They are not out to make the other feel guilty for emotions that they themselves are suffering through. Jakub has to learn, just like everyone else in the world, what "true love" is.

Jesus... God...the holy Spirit, teaches us in the Bible of UNCONDITIONAL love. There are so many different ways we see it all throughout it's passages. I think that the love for your child, and I can only speak from a mother's point of view, is that of UNCONDITIONAL love. Meaning, that no matter what your child does, you will love them. That is how God loves us...because we are his Children. He even loves us when we get mad at him and turn our backs. He loves us when we "hate" him or doubt him. No matter what, God loves us unconditionally.

Am I mad a Jakub? No, not really. I am hurt by his choice of words and the way he acted. I am certain he is probably angry with me for not giving him peanut butter...and putting him to bed early...and refusing to talk to him till he calmed down. Does Jake still love me...I have no doubt.

Can you remember times you have been terribly angry with your parents? What about God?

I Corinthians 13:4-8 - Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, it is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek it's own, it is not provoked and seeks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Year in the life of Dez...day 3

Say 3- Innocence

I felt like I needed to spend some more time on childhood. Today I feel in my heart that I should talk about children and their innocence.

Too many times do I see kids subjected to the craziness of this life. I am totally guilty of it. Especially when it comes to watching what I say or monitoring what they see on television. Our children have this beautiful built in thing called innocence. Why are most of us so quick to break that beauty in them.

I said in my post yesterday that we should answer our children's questions when they ask them. I also said that it should be age appropriate. A 6 year old does not need to know the ins and outs of a sexual relationship when asked where babies come from.

Something I feel I lost incredibly early was innocence. I think I grew up way too fast under circumstances that were not in my hands. I believe when you hear an adult complain about not having a childhood I really believe innocence has tons to do with that.

Children are children for such a very short time. We sometimes put way too much responsibility on them. I'm not saying that they don't need to mind or have chores... I am just saying that we expect them to know too much sometimes. Really think about this before you scold your child for being immature next time. Think twice before telling them to "grow up". Our children, our babies have ALL their lives to be grown up and responsible...they have but a blink of an eye to be carefree and childlike.

Can you remember ways your parents forced you to grow up too early? Talk about when you believed childhood was over for you.

Galatians 5:22-23- But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

Year in the life of Dez...Day 2

I wondered last night if I would really be able to fill up an entire year like this. Then I started thinking about all the things I can really teach. Could my life pain actually be a blessing in disguise? I really think it is. There are so many things I could teach parents, survivors and Christians out there.

So today I am going to start with something I had to erase at the end of my message yesterday. It has to deal with our children and the proper way to help with their grief.

So many times, as parents, we have a difficult time helping our children when they are emotional. Why is that?
I really think that for most of us it is a comfort thing. I know as a child I was taught to stuff my feelings down. I wasn't allowed to grieve, be angry, or to address my feelings whatsoever.

How do you feel when your child is hurt, or crying? Do you try and "shush" it away. When they ask questions that are far more advanced than their age do you shut it down quickly. If you do...think about WHY you do it? It is because it makes you uncomfortable.

This is the worst thing that people can teach their children! Stuffing emotion or questions make a child a) an emotion stuffer in grown up life (which will help lead them to a life of searching for why they are so depressed or repressed and B) teaches them not to express themselves, to be timid and helps make them think that their thoughts are not important.

I am a PRIME example of an emotion and thought stuffer!!! In the great words of Jack Nicholson, "Don't you be like me". Don't teach your children to be like me...or yourself for that matter!

What I am saying is when you child is hurting, talk to them about it. Hold them, console them and let them know that they can always talk to you about anything. Sure, some of their questions...like "where do babies come from" at 4 and 5 years old are hard to address. Just make it an age appropriate answer for the time. Don't tell them that it is something you can't talk about. By the things we do, the ways we react and the way we treat emotion and curiosity in our homes will have a lasting effect on how your child looks at the world around them.

So I ask you today, what ways do you feel you were repressed as a child and do you see yourself doing it to your kids today?

Psalms 127:3- Behold children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Matthew 19:14- But Jesus said. "Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them: for such is the kingdom of heaven.

A Year in the life...from Dez

Day 1

It's time that I stop hiding and running from my fears. So I decided that if I put them all out there that maybe I can help someone else while I am helping myself.

I am a Christian. I have been since I was a teenager. I used to be really charismatic and had no issue whatsoever with letting people know where I stood in my faith. Over time, I have let that slip. Over time I have become mediocre at best. I try to live a "good" life, but my fears and doubts leave me hiding from people and my convictions.

There are times that my fear of life and of death really rear their terribly ugly heads. It leaves me in tears and sobbing and completely terrified at times. It is crippling and I am tired of being lame. So I am writing this blog, and with God's help and the help of my friends...and hopefully helping others out there with the same fears and doubts... I am going to conquer this.

So where do I start? Well, I will be frank. Since I was a kid I have had Christian doubts. I am sure you are gasping right now as any good Christian would do. So why, as Christians, do we flounder when we hear one of our fellow Christians are struggling with doubt and their strength in God. Why do we look at people who say they are struggling with doubt like they have grown two heads. Is doubt not a normal thing...isn't that where faith comes in?

So what are my doubts? I struggle with death and life after death. There was a time, many years ago...I was about 15 years old, that I can remember praying, "God, please if you are out there and you are really coming again, can you do it before I die?". Then I made up my mind that if heaven was there then that was GREAT, I am gonna live my life like it is...if it's not...one day I will go to sleep and never know the difference. I have tried that with myself this time and it hasn't worked. I need more than that, I need to stretch my faith out there and be the Christian I once was as a teenager.



So, for today... I put the question out there...do you ever doubt? If so, what makes you doubt? I will also leave you with a bible verse. Because of my questions, doubts and fear I am doing what I should have been doing more of...studying the bible. I want to grow.

James 1:6- "But let him ask IN FAITH, with NO DOUBTING, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed about the wind.

21 years ago today

21 years ago today my life changed forever. It changed how I felt about the world, it changed how I accepted people, it changed the way I reacted and the way I loved. Today is the anniversary of my Dad's death.

I have been asked in the past if I thought I would be where I am today if he had raised me. That was a really tough question. The answer is, I really don't think I would.

I do believe time heals all wounds. I don't really think time healed my fathers wounds. After we lost my mother and moved to Tennessee I really think that there was no going back for him. He had been through the wringer, some of it by his own hand, some of it by circumstance. Nevertheless, he wasn't able to raise me while he was alive and I really think God had different plans for me.

Sadly, it has taken me many years to get to the point where I am not the person I used to be. I was bitter, I was hurt, I didn't understand how God could take away a child's family and leave her to her own devices. I was emotionally void, needy and completely misunderstood.

Today, I am still needy but I understand better. I still have my emotional blocks, my downfalls and the self worth of an ant. I do believe that I have accepted what cards have been dealt for me. I have love in my life and I know what to do for my kids...and I know how to show them and my husband the love I never really felt I received.

I know what to look for, I know how to love unconditionally and I feel deeply. I have my demons... fear of death, fear of loss...but with God's help I don't let my fears run my life.

So, all in all I think I should take a moment to thank my Dad for being the best Dad he knew how to be. I thank him for my life. I would hope that he is proud of me and I know he would love my family. They say time heals all wounds...I completely agree.

It is definitely fall here in the PNW. Actually, It feels quite a bit more like winter. There have been tree days we have awaken to find that there is snow on the peaks surrounding our house. That just lets me know that the white fluffy stuff is just around the corner.

Fall in the PNW is VERY different from a warm southern fall. I would have to say that fall in the south is ONE thing I miss. The thing is, that fall weather that we would wait for all year I get up here all the time, generally. The thing we don't get is the color and the smell. There is just a certain smell in the air during a Southern fall. I always expressed it and honeysuckle as being two of my favorite smells ever. Neither of which I have here, but I will take the trade off.






Another thing that I am losing quickly is daylight. During the summer here it is nothing to still have twilight at 11PM. It is getting darker a lot quicker now. By this winter it will get dark at 4. Jake will go to school in the dark and come home in the dark. It's slightly depressing for a while, but we don't seem to let it get to us.

We haven't had our bear problem for about a week now. We still haven't caught a glimpse of it but we know it's there by the incredibly large piles of scat it leaves behind. Plus Willow goes NUTS at night when she smells it or sees it. So luckily over the last week we haven't been waking up in the night to quiet the dog. That will change again when the loaded down apple tree on the edge of the yard starts shedding the apples in the top of it's branches.



Everyone is great. We finally hit our one year mark here, both living here and working here. It was exciting, yet at the same time we wonder where the time went...surely it hasn't been year already! It has.

So I will bid farewell for now as I sit with my blanket over my shoulders, listening to Jack's soft snore and Jake beckoning me to sneak up on a deer in the front yard.

Apples, Plums, Elderberries and Bears

The last two weeks have been so very exciting for me. As I have said many times before I have tried so MANY new things since I have been here in Montana. It really helps to have a neighbor like Sharon Palmer that I learn so VERY much from. NEVER would I ever have thought that I would become the domestic goddess that I have become. In the last two weeks I have learned how to make lots of homemade jellies, jams and butters. I also learned how to rebatch soap! So I can add homemade soap maker to that list as well.

I really feel like I am in my element even when I am sooooo very far out of it. Sometimes to find your true potential you have to step out of your comfort zone and embrace where God leads you!

My husband has been doing the very same thing, in his job. He is doing things at the school that 2-3 years ago I would have NEVER imagined him doing. He has grow so very much, and even though he was a great man before he is even more amazing now. He works so hard so that I can be home with the kids. He will never know how much I appreciate how much he does for our family because there really are no words to say that could communicate that. He is such a beautiful man, amazing husband and magnificent father! I really won the lottery when I found him...or when he found me...or when God brought our two wandering hearts together. I always prayed for him growing up. With as much instability that I had in my life before I met him God has certainly made up for it since. So, PRAISE you God for pairing me with Jason Newcomb... the most wonderful man on Earth... my soul mate.

God has blessed us tremendously in the last few weeks even. Not only have I learned to do all the things I have...we got good news from Jack's ER trip and it didn't cost nearly as much as I thought it would. If we were to have gone to the same ER trip in Mississippi it would have cost us THOUSANDS.

I am also getting involved in the community much more. Making friends seems to be coming a little bit easier. I suppose when you recluse yourself in a cabin in the mountains that you really aren't gonna meet anyone. So, I am putting myself out there a little more. And guess what!!!??? I am meeting people...wow. LOl!!! I am still trying to get the photography biz off the ground as well...slowly but surely!!!!!!!!

The only problem we are having now is with Willow barking at night. We are having major evidence of Bears... mainly huge piles of bear scat (POOP). They are after all the fruit trees. So not much sleep the last few nights. Willow loves to let the entire mountain know of their presence.

Also, my nephew is still not well so please keep him in your prayers. Other than that, God has blessed us. We are an example of his amazing power!