Unsure...
A couple of day ago a thought passed through my mind. I was thinking back almost 3 years ago to when my youngest child, Jack, was born...or about to be. I can remember how totally unsure I was about having a second child. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to love it as much as I did Jake. I was scared that Jakub would hate me forever for having a baby. I can remember many times going into the shower and just crying over the uncertainty of all of it.
A few nights before Jack was born I can remember singing our bedtime song to Jakub, playing with his little locks of hair and holding back the tears because I thought after I had a baby that Jake would be too big for singing and petting. I held his tiny little hand in mine as he went to sleep knowing that things were about to change and I didn't know if it was going to be for the better or worse.
The day before I became scheduled for a c-section was when we found out that the little girl we were planning on having was gonna be our little Jack man. "Ah, look at the testicles" is how my doctor broke it to me. We had planned for a little girl for 6 months. It was such a slap in the face. I think Jason and I were both totally stunned. We panicked and Jason was sent on a mission to buy little boy clothes.
I drove to the hospital next morning... I needed to. I was stressed and I do better when I am in "total" control. As soon as we pulled into the hospital parking lot I threw my door open and barfed. Yep, that was the best way I can put it. In fact, I was so nervous I barfed the rest of the morning and begged for something for my nerves. I am sure I wasn't a plesant person to be around.
That being said... and know that I did suffer from light post-pardum depression. It took me a few weeks to get into the swing of things and to accept my life as a mother of 2. Jack has always been loved, even more now that ever. He is an AMAZING kid that I wouldn't change for anything in the world... ANYWAY.
When I got Jack home I can remember holding him and pitting his little hand in mine. Jakub came to check things out and I put his hand in my vacant one. It hit me then that Jake wasn't the itty bitty baby that I thought he was. His hand in mine looked different now. It wasn't as tiny as it had been the few days before. He seemed like such a big boy now.
So with all of that said...our struggles in life are in the eye of the beholder. We can make them as big or as small as we want to. No matter what they are just the same as they were yesterday and they may or may not be the same tomorrow. Take one day at a time, things that seem HUGE usually in hindsight are very small... or vise-vera.
Take every day as it comes... we are only promised what we have in the moment so make the moment the best you can.
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