21 years ago today

21 years ago today my life changed forever. It changed how I felt about the world, it changed how I accepted people, it changed the way I reacted and the way I loved. Today is the anniversary of my Dad's death.

I have been asked in the past if I thought I would be where I am today if he had raised me. That was a really tough question. The answer is, I really don't think I would.

I do believe time heals all wounds. I don't really think time healed my fathers wounds. After we lost my mother and moved to Tennessee I really think that there was no going back for him. He had been through the wringer, some of it by his own hand, some of it by circumstance. Nevertheless, he wasn't able to raise me while he was alive and I really think God had different plans for me.

Sadly, it has taken me many years to get to the point where I am not the person I used to be. I was bitter, I was hurt, I didn't understand how God could take away a child's family and leave her to her own devices. I was emotionally void, needy and completely misunderstood.

Today, I am still needy but I understand better. I still have my emotional blocks, my downfalls and the self worth of an ant. I do believe that I have accepted what cards have been dealt for me. I have love in my life and I know what to do for my kids...and I know how to show them and my husband the love I never really felt I received.

I know what to look for, I know how to love unconditionally and I feel deeply. I have my demons... fear of death, fear of loss...but with God's help I don't let my fears run my life.

So, all in all I think I should take a moment to thank my Dad for being the best Dad he knew how to be. I thank him for my life. I would hope that he is proud of me and I know he would love my family. They say time heals all wounds...I completely agree.