Year in the life of Dez...day 29

Not as young as I once was...

I was in a playful mood last night. I get great joy out of aggravating my family...picking and teasing. I am one of those people who love to wrestle. I think I always will be.

Last night I was in a tickle session with my husband. Unluckily I was sitting in the computer chair when he grabbed my foot to tickle it. I jumped and threw myself backward to get away from him and the chair toppled over. It wasn't funny at the time...in fact I cried ever so slightly because I hit my head and my right shoulder on our massive entertainment center. Sure, it hurt and it was 100% my fault for UNDER-calculating the force I used to throw myself away from the ever present danger of foot torture.

It wasn't till this morning that I realized I am not as young as I once was. The right side of my body feels like it has been hit by a MAC TRUCK.

So at what point do our bodies change so much that something that would have not really bothered you much 5-10 years ago makes you feel like an 80 year old today? I would like to thank my husband for coming to my rescue, he didn't laugh at me, not even once. I would have totally laughed at him. He is such a good man.

The lump on my head is gone this morning, it still hurts. My pride...my pride REALLY hurts. In a week I am going to be laughing about it... but not today. Ouch.

Year in the life of Dez...day 28

And I give thanks...

Tomorrow is a day we set aside for Thanksgiving. The thing is, we should be thankful EVERY DAY. Though I agree with the premise of thanksgiving. It gives us a reason to thank our loved ones and thank the Lord for the blessings we have.

My family has a Thanksgiving tradition. A few years ago I set aside a NO FAMILY invited thanksgiving. We were going through some junk with our family at the time. It was fun and we had a blast with our friends. After that I have always done Thanksgiving at our house. Anyone was invited...just like now. The people that are in our lives are there for a reason and I absolutely love all of you. So if you don't have anywhere to go for Turkey Day tomorrow come on over... we can have a hodge podge of "family" Thanksgiving.

That said...we have traditions just like everyone else. We have Thanksgiving lunch...the usual, Turkey, Dressing, Mashed Potatoes, Mac and Cheese (this was for Chelsea), Hashbrown Casserole (for me), Rolls (for Jason), green Bean Casserole (cause WHO doesn't have that), jibblet and a HUGE assortment of desserts. The menu is just about the same every year. After dinner we usually NAP and then we put up our Christmas tree.

The kids are really excited about the Christmas tree this year, especially Jakub.

Traditions are VERY important. It give us something to look forward to every year. It give our kids something to talk about when they get older. It makes us look forward to time with family and friends. So set some traditions this year... or if you have some tell us about yours!

Year in the life of Dez...day 27

What does your life revolve around?

With teary eyes on a daily basis my little guy, Jack, usually lets me know that he cannot locate his "nasty wooby". His Godmother, Chelsea, gave me a blanket right before Jack was born when she was moving and cleaning out stuff. This blanket was one of those really soft fleece blankets and I tried to get Jakub to use it, but he had "Ling-Ling" (a panda bear he picked all the fuzz off of and ATE!!) as his wooby and had no interest in this blanket. It wasn't long after Jack was born that he took up with wooby, even to the point where we couldn't leave it behind anywhere without total meltdown.

After a few "leave behinds" we cut wooby into 1/4ths so that we would always have a clean one and would hopefully always have one. In the last year wooby has become "nasty wooby". Even though we cut it into 4 pieces, he has to have the one that smells JUST right. You could hand him any of the others, but if it isn't the ONE then it doesn't matter. When "nasty" wooby gets washed, he adopts the next nastiest one. It's fairly disgusting to think about, but it's HIS WOOBY, it gives him comfort.

A little over 6 months ago I truly thought that I would suck my thumb till I died. Yep... I am one of those weird people who drew comfort from my thumb. I have no idea what I got from it, and when asked what flavor it was I replied "vanilla"... though it didn't taste a lick like vanilla. It was my vice...though honestly, not anymore.

Everyone has a vice, everyone has "issues" and everyone lets things control them. I wouldn't really say that Jack's wooby controls him, but he needs it to relax. After I quit the "thumb issue" it would take me hours a night to lay down and actually go to sleep. I was missing something that HELPED me relax. Just like Jack, if he didn't have nasty wooby at night he would most certainly cry himself to sleep.

Does that make me ANY different from folks out there that have bigger vises? People that suffer from addictions to drugs, alcohol, relationships??? Nope, in my opinion it doesn't. You have to get to the root of the vice to solve it and not need it anymore.

So how did I stop may you ask? It was the weirdest thing. I have, for years, struggled with headaches. So one morning in the shower I was praying over them. A few moments after I ended my prayer it was almost as if someone whispered in my ear... "Your thumb, you idiot...GEEZ!" Now, I really don't think God would call me an idiot, but sometimes it takes shock therapy to work with me. So since that moment I have not even had a second of "I NEED".

I know you are all laughing at me... and I am okay with that. I'm not embarrassed anymore, I can laugh about it. I look back at the years I hid it and realized I was honestly NO different from anyone else that hides a habit.

So what are you hiding today...anything you want to change?

Year in the life of Dez...day 26

Slacking...

I had an excuse for a couple of days there. My husband was on vacation and I just wanted to spend time with him. Yesterday, I really didn't have a good excuse. My hubby was pukey all night the night before and I couldn't make myself wake up. I was lazy allllllll day yesterday.

I suppose there are some times that we just need to take a break from it all and zone out sometimes. It's probably not so good for us, but it felt good.

I did, on the otherhand find last night that anger is a HUGE motivator for me. As I went to the mailbox and opened a bill from the dentist we just saw I couldn't help but see red. Sometimes in life we are faced with those moments that we completely flip out over something like a ridiculous bill.

The point isn't that I really liked the doctor and his staff, and his nice new high-tech building (which I will be paying the mortgage on this month)... the point is that their services are horridly priced and my insurance only payed $100.00 of the $500.00 bill. So not only did I get slapped in the face by said Doctor, I also got slapped in the face by my "fee-scheduled" insurance company. What for... they cleaned my children's teeth...wow, something I do everyday at home.

Yeah, I am ticked...was it my fault... yep! I picked the doctor, and I didn't check the schedule on the insurance. So mostly I am ticked at my lack of "thouroughness" (if that is even a word".

So, when I get ticked I work. I usually clean. Jason used to tick me off on purpose to get me to clean. Now my kitchen SPARKLES. In fact I took things apart and cleaned them...even the coffee pot. So I suppose out of all of this I was productive!

Another thing I do when I get mad is cry. It is a horrible little thing I do when I feel like I am out of control of a situation. When I get mad I cry...I can't control that part either... it just happens. Emotion is something I wear on my sleeve. I take it as a sign of weakness. I wish I could be like the people who through most everything are calm and collected. Nope, if you look at me wrong I cry...seriously, stop looking at me like that.

Year in the life of Dez...day 25

Bad decisions?


I haven't written in SEVERAL days. My husband has been on vacation and I have been trying to spend tons of time with him. I have had a fabulous day up until tonight. I was frustrated with some things that have happened over the last few weeks and I was venting to my MIL. Apparently my MIL has had some pent up anger for some time that she let over-flow and spill out tonight. What are her complaints may you ask? Well just about everything Jason and I have done in the last year.

Complaint 1- We sold our house and it just shows how ungrateful we were because she gave it to Jason.

I will address that one with...I HATED THAT HOUSE! It wasn't our house it was her house that she built with her ex-husband. I am grateful we had it for the 10 years that we did, but I never felt that it was "our" house.

Complaint 2- We have no money. If she had known we were going to be in the shape we are currently in she would have never moved up here and she would have saved her money that she used to move up here for us to have now.

Yeah, we aren't rich, WHO IS these days?

Complaint 3- Our children do not have the security of a "Home".

I explained to her that a HOUSE does NOT make a home, that the love we share as a family is what makes a home. My children are happy and content. We will "buy" a house one day, when we are ready to.

Complain 4- Still on the security issue... That I have never known what poverty feels like.

This is where she is totally wrong. I remember living in my Dad's truck for weeks, not having Christmas under the tree...NOT HAVING FOOD for that matter... but I have never known what povery feels like. I explained that to her.

I made sure to let her know how I felt too... that I didn't appreciate that she didn't support how we did things, that we were living our lives how we want to and that as a family we are stronger than ever.

So now, I sit totally ticked off, steaming inside and this is what I do... I air it out to the whole world.

I PRAY my kids never know the life that my husband or I either had to go through as children. I pray that the economy gets better. I pray that all of our hopes and dreams as a family come true. Right now... I feel like we are kinda puttering out, but does that make my faith waiver? NO!!! I feel slightly homesick, I feel like I wish there were jobs here Montana that I could go to work for to help contribute to our financial success. Does anyone know what the future holds? Absolutely not. All we can do it sit back, relax and live day by day. That's all we a guaranteed anyway. I wanna scream...I wanna scream, I wanna scream...Maybe a good cry would help.

Year in the life of Dez...day 24

VETS DAY...


When I was in High School I honestly didn't figure that I was going to get into ANY sort of college. I had applied, but my grades were mediocre at best. I had quit trying completely. There were several options that went through my head. One was going to the local community college to become a paramedic. The other was to join the Air-Force.

I had spoken with a recruiter several times. They seemed very enthusiastic and I seemed wanted. I had nearly made up my mind to sign the papers when my acceptance letter to UT-Martin came in the mail. I was ecstatic to say the least that a college wanted me. So the Air Force fell behind the vail of what every kid was supposed to do... go to school and become something.

Hindsight makes me kick myself for not serving for a little while. I really think it would have given me discipline that, even today, I need. Yet, at the same time, I wouldn't have met my husband when I did and wouldn't have the fabulous family that I do now.

Now I think about the future... when my children are old enough to make the decision for themselves. I am greedy and selfish and think about the friends I have out there NOW. I worry about those that I know who are serving... I remember weeks ago thinking one of them might possibly have been hurt in some of the Afgan conflict. How could I possibly let my children serve, even if they begged me to. I know it won't be my decision to make.

I want to take a second, to thank those of you who ARE BRAVE, who DO SACRIFICE... you are in my prayers and honestly I am so proud to call you my friends. I am the one who is blessed to know you. So please God, keep them safe, send your angels of protection to watch over them until they make it home safely to their families. Surround them with your AMAZING love and help settle them when they are afraid. Send them friends that will be with them when they are feeling alone.

If I can do ANYTHING for you please let me know. You save me and my family everyday and I couldn't be more honored. You guys are so very special! Happy Vets Day to you.

Year in the life of Dez...day 23

Lables...

Have you ever been asked to describe yourself without telling what you are or what you do? Like... you can't say I am an office manager, mother, christian...

If I had to describe myself it would be thus:

I am and energetic, loyal, happy, free thinking female who loves with all her heart and wears emotion on her sleeve.

Most of us identify ourselves with what we are or what we do. Sure, we may be really good at those things, but that isn't WHO WE ARE. People tend to label others in order to associate or connect with them. A Christian usually associates with other Christians... a Mother with other Mothers... A business man with other business men. I am sure you get my point.

I pride myself on my ability to connect with ALL different types of people. I try not to put myself in a mold, or label myself as anything but a person. I can remember my college Room-mate making the comment once that she was amazed that I could be friends with our Suite mates AND be really good friends with a girl who led an alternative lifestyle. She stated that because they were totally opposite people. I think I just shrugged and said "Yeah".

Another thing I wonder about a lot is... What do people think of me. Not in a bad way or in a way that effects the way I am...or the way I react... but in a way that I am curious. When People see me, or talk to me for the first time, what are they thinking?

There is a song that Willy Porter has called "Paper Airplane" and in the story behind the song is: One day after he had just moved into an apartment he was looking out his window. When he looked down into a window of another tenant he saw a naked woman standing there. It isn't a perverse song at all... it is more like he is "looking into the soul" of this woman trying to figure her out.

I was thinking today, when people see me... what do they see (other than the crazy lady driving down the road singing in the car at the top of her voice)? Do I exude any qualities? I want to... I want to exude the statement I made above. So do I? What do you exude?

Year in the life of Dez...day 22

Hopes up?


Yeah, I get my hopes up...often. A great deal of those times my hopes are dashed. Have you ever heard the song "Thank God for unanswered prayers". There are so many times I can say that as well. Everything from praying over a really crappy teenage romance to praying about schools or jobs...and having it all fall through. Now that I look back on those thing I can see why God didn't see it in my stars.

The problem usually is this... while you are in that moment, praying over something you deem terribly important and it isn't answered the way YOU want it to be answered is so very frustrating. It usually isn't till you have hind-sight that you go "OH! DUH!!!Now I get it".

I am very thankful for many of God's unanswered prayers. Sometimes it would be easier knowing how it's all gonna turn out though. :0)

Year in the life od Dez...day 21

Communication is key...



I am not saying that my husband and I never argue or have the "perfect" marriage but we try really hard and love each other very much. One big thing in our relationship is the ability to communicate with one another. Sure, sometimes I don't like hearing what he has to say, but eventually it sinks in.

So many times, all too often, marriages end. People state one reason or another for it... sometimes I can understand the reasoning behind it...other times I cannot. Marriage, these days and in my opinion, is too easily dissolved. Folks quit trying WAY too easily.

One of the main reason couples quit trying is because of lack of communication. You may hear a woman complaining about something her husband does or does not do. When asked if she has discussed it with him the answer is usually no. Why, in a relationship that is totally supposed to be based on trust and communication, is there no trust and communication? Sometimes I think if we were not afraid to open our mouths things would be so much better. This goes for ANY type of relationship, marriages, friendships...parents, kids. Why are we so afraid to state how we "feel"?

So maybe, take a moment and think about some of those relationships out there and how you can make them better.

Own up to your faults too though...

Year in the life of Dez...day 20

Don't, Don't, Don't beat your kids...

Yeah, I am singing that to the tune of Yo-Gabba-Gabba's Don't bite your friends. Today, I want to pull my hair out. Most of the time I have the best, most darling kids on the face of the EARTH. They are usually polite, calm, and typical boys. Today... both of them melted down at the same time. Jake is mad at me for not trading out his treasure toy. Jack.. I'm not exactly sure why he is totally ticked at me.

The thing I am proud of Jakub about is, today, for the first time, he talked to our friend Tom about why he was angry with him. He had a "grown up" conversation about how he was feeling and why he reacted the way he did.

It is important for our children to understand why we react the way we do, but it is also important for them to tell us why they are upset. Our kids need to know that they can communicate with us for whatever reason they need to. Our kids feelings are important and should NOT be suppressed. I know my "raising" taught me not to talk about ANYTHING. I was taught to shut up...to not ask questions and never ever talk back. So what does that teach us to do. That teaches us NOT to speak up for ourselves and that our feelings don't matter.

I want my children to always be able to talk to us about how they feel. How will I be able to fix things if I only know one side of things? Sure, I know why I am upset, but I won't be able to fix the problem if I don't know what caused it in the first place. A Lot of the time the way Jakub reacts to something is solely caused by something I have done...or haven't done. All I know is he is acting out and I am upset with him because of it.

Think about this... what if your child is acting out because that is the only way they can get attention from you. What if your child is acting out because they know that's the quickest way to get a response from you. What if you child is acting out because they don't like what YOU are doing? Yes, Parents, we can screw up sometimes too!

So when you are reprimanding your child next time, stop... take a deep breath, and sit down and TALK to your child. Hear them and then let them hear you... communication is a WONDERFUL thing. Not just with your kids but with the adults in your life too.

Year in the life of Dez...day 19

Attitude...


All I really have to say today is if you have a nasty attitude about something you are only making it worse for yourself. If you hate your job, your situation, your surroundings, your...whatever then you are the ONLY one who can change it. Until it changes you are the only one who can change how you feel about it. If you hate where you work and you just know you are gonna have a crappy day today then guess what....you are gonna have a crappy day today. If you decide that you hate work, but you are gonna make the best of it...then you will more than likely have a little bit better time...when you let yourself.

In the meantime...search for something better, pray the circumstances change or bear down and go about it. Otherwise you are going to spend a great deal of time being miserable. Rome didn't change in a day and sometimes we are supposed to be patient because there is something we are supposed to learn from our situation. Look at poor old Job!

So, if you need help with that today... read the book of job over the next few days, weeks...or however long it takes you. I promise, it will make your issues seem so much smaller.

Year in the life of Dez...day 18

The Best is not always THE BEST...


I went to Jakub's parent teacher conference today. Most everything he is doing is right on task... he is behind in a few areas, but it's stuff we can work on easily.

I think once I left I started thinking about some things. I suppose I started beating myself up for Jake NOT knowing how to count to 100 yet. I remember when I was in Kindergarten a million years ago that I had to know my 1's, 5's and 10's before we graduated to the first grade. I always knew that I would have REALLY bright kids that would pick up on everything easily. You know what... I STOPPED beating myself and got over it!

No, my child couldn't read when he was 2, he didn't know all 50 states at 1.5 and cannot recite all of the presidents and what state they are from. He doesn't play an instrument by ear, he is not a savant of any kind. Jakub is Jakub and I am 100% okay with that. To me it is far more important for him to have a childhood than for me to beat education into his head. I am NOT saying that education isn't important. It is VERY important and I want Jake to do well in school. I am just not the kind of parent that makes my kid learn how to read while I am still pregnant with them (I am sure that's what is next).

I want Jakub to dream and to succeed. I think it is far too often that parents put these ridiculous expectations on their kids. It's like they are trying to live through them. If they didn't do it right the first time then by George their kids are going to learn from the ways that THEY messed up in life.

Sure, if that's how it worked...but guess what...it doesn't and you are raising RESENTFUL children that will probably dislike you VERY much one day.

Let your children learn, be supportive... but don't be too hard on them. I promise, they will get it one day.

Proverbs 13:10- By pride comes nothing but strife, But with the well advised it is wisdom.

Year in the life of Dez...day 17

Patience is a virtue...right?


I have spoken before about losing my childhood and innocence early. I was telling Jason's Mom just the other day that when I was 5 I was already staying by myself. I look at my babies and imagine letting Jakub (who is six) be alone at home. There is NO WAY on Earth I would let that little fellow stay all alone. I wonder sometimes how I survived...then I think back and don't remember anything bad happening... pfft. My neighbor and I set the woods on fire... But who hasn't done that as a kid? The first time I got pulled over was when I was 9 years old...and I didn't realize I wasn't supposed to be on the road with my motorbike ("sure officer, I'll show you where I live so you can talk to my Daddy").

My father was patient, he really had no choice but to be patient with me. I was hard headed and quite a loner before I even hit the second grade.I can remember getting spankings from him every once in a while... but not very often. He was mostly absent, absent asleep or trying to find a job to support us.

Sometimes I catch myself being really hard on my kids. I think sometimes I recognize that hard headedness in them that developed quickly in me. I don't want them to be like me...though, would that be a really bad thing??? I am a pretty good gal, right? The thing is... I have a 2 year old and a 6 year old. Sometimes I think I expect them to be "grown"...to be more independent...to make the right decisions. THEY ARE BABIES!!!!!!!!!!! What is wrong with me?? I preach and preach about keeping kids innocent, yet there are times I lose complete patience with them.

So, I suppose my whole point today is kids are gonna be kids...let them. If they spill milk (like Jake did last night) just relax and get them to help you clean it up. There is NOTHING in this world that is more important than the flesh and blood that we a raising. So if your child gets sand in the house, or spills their milk on the computer... if they are bickering like cats and dogs... don't over-react...just remember that they are kids, they have to learn through trial and error. If they ruin something...it's just a THING. Our children are way more important than anything we could possess and they need to know that. So next time you are starting to lose patience, put yourself in their shoes for a second. Think about how you were just about to react and think about how a 6 year old would react to your explosion. Be loving and react in love instead of anger. Be the person that you want them to grow up to be.

James 1:3-5 - knowing that all of the testing of your faith produces patience. But let the patience have it's perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask it from God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

Year in the life of Dez...day 16

Nuff Said...


Today, STOP what you are doing. Make a list of the people who matter to you and let them know you love and appreciate them. Don't just say: I appreciate you and love you. TELL THEM... TELL THEM WHY!


Jason: I love you, you are a fabulous Father and a God sent partner. You work hard and are diligent in your efforts to make everyone happy and to provide for your family. I appreciate everything you do even when I don't show it. You are special and anointed with God's love, power and blessings. Thank you.

Linda- You love my boys with such unconditional love. You help me everyday without any complaint. You have been an unwavering support for me. I DO NOT say enough how much I love you and appreciate all you do and I am sorry. You are simply Amazing and the best grandmother I could have ever wished for my children to have. Thank you.

Jakub Evan: My first Born...you have an innocence that I appreciate and never want to see go. You love me even when I make you mad. You are so strong and adaptable, you are your father made over. You are so strong and bright, so handsome and loving. You are so loving and fun. You make the sun rise in my day. I love you... Thank you.

Jack Ethan: My baby boy... You crack me up on a daily basis. I cringe when I see the me come out in you...but I know one day you will have spunk and I'll have someone to contend with. You are so calm in spirit and such a good cuddle buddy. It's like you know when I need to be loved. You amaze me daily with the things you do and say, you are so smart and funny. You make the sun set in my day. I love you... Thank you.

Now, that takes care of the people in my house. I could go on and on and on...

Take the time, I promise everyone needs to hear kind words sometimes.

I have to quote the love chapter again today... I Corinthians 13.

year in the life of Dez...day 15

Rushing, Rushing, Wishing, Wishing...


I have had the conversation with Jakub several times about "wishing" things away. I wish I was bigger, I wish I could do ____________ but I'm not old enough... Wishing time away. I know all kids do it. I did it when I was little. I just look back now and wish I hadn't wished so much time away. So when Jakub starts his wishing away I cringe.

I like to tell Jake that he has ALL his life to be an adult and only a tiny bit of time to be a child. I even tell him that Mommy wants to be a kid again sometimes. Adults have responsibility that kids don't factor in to their wishings. I know that children will never understand that until they are in the adult world, but I can waste a little oxygen to TRY and tell Jake that.

Even as adults we spend a LOT of time wishing away time. "When I lose weight", "When we have a house", "When things settle down", "I can't wait to retire when I'm __________ ", "When the kids get older"... It is all time spent wishing for our future. Sure, I think we should plan for our future, but what is wrong with living today? What is wrong with just stopping and smelling the roses and believing in what you have. Are things really gonna be that much better "when"? We all have hopes and dreams, but should we wish our lives away wishing and hoping for them...Why not start working on them but enjoying what we have NOW.

I am 100% guilty of doing these things. I rush and rush through a day and don't take time to enjoy what I have spread before me. On top of that... "I'll do it tomorrow" plays in A HECK of a lot. So, as the old saying goes, "Why put off tomorrow what can be done today?".

So is there anything you have been putting off that you KNOW should be done now? How about embracing your family...your friends and taking the time to spend QUALITY time with them. I think that is where I will start today.

I John 2:16-17 - For all that is in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes,, and the pride of life - is not of the Father but is of the World. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.