Year in the life of Dez... day 14

Glorification

I am writing day 14 a touch early...it may not even show up till tomorrow. That would work out just fine too. Halloween is tomorrow and I see us being quite busy. So, while I have this on my mind I am going to go ahead and blog about it.

We were just sitting here watching television and yet ANOTHER commercial for Michael Jackson came on. Since he has died he has been on TV and in the media more than he ever was alive. If you think about it, he was usually ONLY in the news for idiotic crap at that.

I am not one to knock a person when they are dead. I am not trying to be cruel in this post. I want to make a point and I am going to try to do it in the best way that I know how.

Right now the media is glorifying Michael Jackson. They are blaming EVERYONE else for his addiction issues. The problem with that is MICHALE JACKSON is the one who had the issue. He is the one who doped up and payed doctors to dope him up. Yet, it is EVERYONE elses fault that he is dead today. I don't quite understand that.

I have also heard folks say that even though he was a drug addict that he was a fabulous father. GIVE. ME. A. BREAK. No parent that is a drug addict is a fabulous parent. Can we use the word DENIAL here? Please?
I know that the kids are the ones who are suffering now. I feel bad for them for losing their father.

Also, just out of curiosity, how many times was this man accused of sexual misconduct with a minor child? Have you ever heard the expression "when there is smoke there is fire". I don't know the details of all the allegations...I do know that at least one of them was "settled out of court".

So why, today, after the man has died of a drug overdose, do we GLORIFY him in the manner that he is being glorified? I have seen his name in the media so much and frankly I am sick of it. It is like everyone FORGOT how he lived so that they can glorify him in death. I just don't understand. I don't get it... I just don't. If you can explain it to me than please do so!

I am not saying that we should beat the man down for what he did. I am not saying don't forgive him... I just don't think we should look past it to make him out to be some sort of magical icon...because in reality...he was just a human, just like you and me.

Romans 1:24-25 - Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanliness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

year in the life of Dez...day 13

ehhh...


So I didn't really pray about what I am supposed to write about today. I didn't take the time to start my morning out by writing. Today has been a busy day, it has been cloudy and dreary and I have pretty much been a negative nilly all day. So, enough said... I have no wisdom to pass along today, no inspiration...In fact, today, I don't have much of anything to offer.

Maybe just a verse from my bible...

Psalms 18:1- I will love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my Rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Year in the life of Dez...day 12

Put a stop to stopping disappointments...


My family has been praying a lot these days. I won't go into detail about what we are "going through" yet. We are not having any kind of family issues at all so don't worry about us...we are just waiting to hear from God on some things. Well as we are waiting and being patient I got some slightly disappointing news yesterday as an answer.

I started the quick, self defeating spiral down before I caught myself. When I did catch myself I thought...OH YE' of Little faith...shame on you. Just because I got an answer I didn't like doesn't mean there isn't a different option out there!~

There are so many times we give up because we get blowing disappointments. I really DO NOT think we are supposed to give up with that much ease. We are supposed to be diligent and have more faith than that!

So when you feel like you have had one hard blow after another don't give up! Giving up is Way too easy...what is hard is being patient and waiting.

So if you have an issue in your life that you feel like will NEVER resolve itself...just hang in there. Do NOT give up... Look at Moses, it took him 40 years to get where he was going and he really didn't get to step foot on his promised land...he got a glimpse though and I am sure that glimpse was worth while.

Luke 8:15- " But the ones that fell on the good ground are those who, having heard the word with a noble and good heart, keep it and bear fruit with patience.

year the life of Dez....day 11

Outside influence...


From a child we are taught not to be negatively influenced by others. We are taught...Just say not to drugs, just say no to pre-marital sex, just say no to negative things your friends want you to do and just say no to letting people affect your self image. Sometimes people told us why they wanted us to follow the "just say no's" sometimes we were just told to listen without explanation. Most of the time I was never told WHY I should just say no... just SAY NO already.

As adults I think sometimes our friends and family influence us too much. I really believe that everyone operates different. A situation that might be handled a certain way by one person might be operated an entirely different way by another. Sometimes we might witness something... let me give an example... I live a mile away from the post office and sometimes I let my babies ride in the front seat of the car. Now if I lived in the South still I am MORE THAN CERTAIN that if someone saw me do that they would no doubt be on the phone in a nano-second reporting me to 911 for child endangerment. So I wouldn't let my children do that if I still lived in the South because of what someone else might do or say about it. That makes me "wishy-washy".

So what am I trying to say today? Well I think mostly it's this: Stick to your convictions, stick to your decisions and always always always follow your heart... and pray about it. Make decisions with GODS help because he is the only one who truly matters.

I Corinthians 12:31- But earnestly desire the best gifts, and yet I show you a more excellent way.

Year in the life of Dez...day 10

Do you do what you do?

As I was taking Jakub to school today I couldn't help but reflect on picking him up yesterday. As I was standing in the hall waiting on him I witnessed an interaction between a student and teacher. Now this particular teacher has never seemed incredibly pleasant to me so I wasn't terribly surprised at her interaction with this freshman girl.

I wasn't listening to the conversation, I try really hard not to listen in on peoples private matters. It is one of my weaknesses. But I do pay attention to body language and reactions.

We all know how flaky teenage girls can be...so there really is NO TELLING what the child was saying, the thing that urked me is the fact that this particular teacher was acting more flaking than the teenager. This grown woman, a woman who put herself in school to work with kids, who also signed up to work with teenage girls on an extracurricular basis was acting MORE Catty than this 14 year old.

The child was talking to her...she looked at the girl...rolled her eyes and in the girls mid-sentence walked away and left the girl standing there GAPING with her mouth wide open. I have seen this woman do it before...she HATES her job...or she at least acts like it.

So, what is my point may you ask?

I see it just about daily if I am out. People at Wal-mart act like it isn't their job to help you when their tags read "customer service". A teacher doesn't listen to a child... no matter how trivial the childs needs may be... then they complain that kids don't respect them...or complain about having to help kids. The kid at the fast food window can't believe you drove thru on their shift... Do you get what I am saying here? Doctors complain about their waiting rooms being overloaded... and then treat you like you are a nuisance when you are paying THEM BIG DOLLARS to treat you... HELLO, I am employing you!!! If you have a job...DO THE JOB to the very best of your ability and be GRATEFUL that you have people that help you out by paying your salary!

If you don't like what you are doing, then make a change! BE JOYFUL instead of sour.

James 1:2 My Brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trails, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

year in the life of Dez...day 9

God's favor, God's Will

Earlier this week we had an argument over what we are supposed to pray for. There are so many different people out there telling so many different things. One preacher will tell you that you are ONLY to pray for God's will in you life. There is no choice in the matter...if you pray for the things YOU want then you are not in accordance with God and you are being selfish. Then you have others that tell you you should ask for God's Favor..."ask and ye shall receive". So what is it really? Is anyone besides me confused on the matter?

I don't even have a bible verse to support my confusion today...so maybe y'all can help me.

year in the life of Dez...day 8

I'll make today simple... Go to Church, Study the Bible or switch on the T.V. and listen to something inspirational. Be happy today...just make up your mind and do it! LOVE YOURSELF!!!!

year in the life of Dez...day 7

I'm sorry really means...


There are times my dog really drives me crazy. We bought her a shock collar that apparently doesn't work because she is constantly barking. I know it drive my neighbors batty so I am up and down all day sticking my head out the door telling her to HUSH. I can't help that the big bad chipmunk might get close to the house... or the deer... skunks... or from wrapping herself around a tree 15 times. Sometimes I think Willow is missing some matter up in the cranium.

So as Willows "mother" I am usually the one who has to get her out of her predicaments, I have to correct her and explain away her faults. Willow can't say she is sorry...she can't talk. I know she tries...sometimes. Willow is the prime example of what I think God must feel sometimes after we constantly make mistakes.

When you do something that requires an "I'm Sorry" what you are really saying is "I won't do it again". So many times you see people apologize just to turn right around and do the exact same thing over and over. That is NOT how "I'm Sorry" works.

Same goes for repentance. When you pray for the Lord's forgiveness it doesn't mean you run out and do it again and again because you know that God will forgive you. That isn't how repentance works...and if you are truly sorry...would you really WANT to do the same thing over and over? I think some people pray for forgiveness to clear their guilty feeling, but never actually change the way they function. That is just speculation on my part...and I don't know for sure if God doesn't just clear it off every time you pray.

All I know is if someone apologizes to me and asks for my forgiveness I will certainly give it. Yet, how would you feel if that same person ran out and committed their fault again... then asked for forgiveness for it again...and again...and again. I really don't think I would be inclined to forgive over and over and over. Part of me would feel jilted I think and would lose trust in the person. Maybe that is my human fault.

How do you feel when people hurt you and apologize? What if they did the same thing over and over and continued to ask?

Acts 26:18- "to open their eyes, in order to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who are sanctified by faith in me."

Year in the life of Dez....day 6

I was reading Jakub a book last night and part of it reminded me of something from his "baby-hood". So I promptly stopped the book and told Jake a little story about him and the wind.

When Jake was a baby...and even now... he has always disliked going to sleep. Nap time has always been a nightmare with him and he is just now getting to the point that it isn't a struggle to get him to go to bed at night. He has always wanted the security of someone laying with him till he fell asleep.

One afternoon while I was trying to get him down I heard the wind whipping around the house making that creepy howling sound that you associate with winter...or haunted houses. Jake was probably 2 or 3 years old. He promptly sat up and whispered, "Mommy, what was that". I explained to him that it was just the wind and he should lay back down. Yet every time it howled his eyes would get big again and he would ask again.

So me in my infinite wisdom decided that the wind was talking to Jake. So the next time it whistled around the house and Jake popped up I just consoled him, hugged him up and told him a story. "Jake, the wind is talking to you, just listen".

"What is it saying Mommy", asked Jake.

"It's saying, Gooooooo toooooo slllleeeeeeppp". I said trying not to laugh.

"What else is it saying Mommy?"

"It's telling you that if you go to sleep, by the time you wake up it will have brought Daddy home to you...but it isn't going to go look for Daddy till you Gooooooo tooooooooo sssllllllllllleeeeeeppppp." I said.

Amazingly, Jakub would snuggle up close to me and do exactly what the wind told him to do. So in the future I always hoped the wind would be whipping around the house at nap time.

In telling this cute story I do have a point. During our prayers...even if we take the time to pray...most of us rush through them. We state what we want, need and sometimes we thank God for the things we have. Do you ever take the time to listen? No, God doesn't speak to you out loud... at least he hasn't to me. Usually he speaks to my heart... maybe I will feel at peace about something or I wake up in the morning (or fall asleep at night) thinking about what I need to write about the next day. God, like the wind, has a still small voice that most of us never stop and listen to. At times, even like the wind, his voice can be strong and howling...we just choose not to hear it. Maybe we should stop talking so much and start listening a little... you will never get answers till you do. :0)

John 3:8- "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from or where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the spirit."

Year in the life of Dez... Day 5

Patterns...

I lay awake for a little while last night in between getting toe jabs from my youngest child and sleep. I wondered what I felt led about to write on this morning. It has kinda been on my mind for several days and so I think that is sign enough, right?

Before we moved last year I received the blessing of working in Mental Health for a year and a half. By far, this has been my absolute favorite job ever. I worked with the greatest team of people whom I wish I could have just uprooted and brought with me. The other part of it was I was truly helping people. It also helped me to realize that there were much larger problems out there than the ones I was going through.

We saw an array of issues: drug addiction, phobias and fears, violence and some were even psychotic. The theme we supported there was the people we worked with were honestly at the end of their line. We were their last resort before they were committed or someone else committed them. Most of the time when they met me they were tearful and hyperventilating.

We would get them through the 30-60 day program and see improvement. We would discuss their problems in a group setting so everyone could weigh in on the issues at hand. These folks would either get something from the program and have a life changing experience or we would see them again in the same situation a few months down the line.

The ones we would see again and again and again were those that had created a pattern for their lives. No matter how many times you encouraged them to change the people they surrounded themselves with, or change their lifestyles they would usually be right back. Sometimes it was very discouraging, but after a while I had to realize that they were making the decision to live the life that they were living.

One of the main things we taught was "patterns". People that were having suicidal issues... guess what, most of the time their parents committed suicide. People that were having problems with violence or domestic abuse...their parents abused them. People that had problems with drug abuse grew up with drug abusing parents. A lot of the time these folks wanted to blame their problems on genetics. Sure, you know what, that might be a fraction of the issue but it was their decision to go down that road.

So what am I trying to say this morning? If you had problems growing up... maybe Dad was a alcoholic and beat you during his rages... YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC and BEAT YOUR KIDS. You chose to continue the cycle.

It doesn't even have to be something that drastic. If Mom and Dad didn't show you affection, they weren't the touchy-feely kind... they didn't say I love you enough... they weren't there for you when you needed them... DOES NOT mean you have to be that way with your child. Look at your childhood and figure out what you were missing... look at how you treat and react and show love to your babies today. Are you continuing the cycle?

Well today, guess what...it's okay to break it.

Romans 8:18- For I consider the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Year in the life of Dez...day four

"You hate me"

There is nothing more heart wrenching than when your child says, "You hate me" or "I hate you". It's almost like they know those two phrases are going to be the fatal blow. The most incredible part of the whole thing most of the time is "where did they get the word Hate and how did they learn how to wield it".

I understand the word hate, and as a child once can fully understand the emotion behind the words. A child usually resorts to those words when they are feel the most frustrated...the most "unheard" or the most humiliated. That word is their cuss word.

So last night my child told me I hated him. He has told me that before. It is his last and final weapon for manipulation. All of it stemmed from the fact that I wouldn't give him peanut butter right before bed. A brief struggle ensued and 15 minutes before bedtime turned into an hour after. His weapon of mass destruction didn't work on me this time though. In fact, he had it turned right around on him.

A lesson most people should understand and should teach their children is that people who love each other do not hit or tear each other down. People that love one another look for the best in each other. They are not out to make the other feel guilty for emotions that they themselves are suffering through. Jakub has to learn, just like everyone else in the world, what "true love" is.

Jesus... God...the holy Spirit, teaches us in the Bible of UNCONDITIONAL love. There are so many different ways we see it all throughout it's passages. I think that the love for your child, and I can only speak from a mother's point of view, is that of UNCONDITIONAL love. Meaning, that no matter what your child does, you will love them. That is how God loves us...because we are his Children. He even loves us when we get mad at him and turn our backs. He loves us when we "hate" him or doubt him. No matter what, God loves us unconditionally.

Am I mad a Jakub? No, not really. I am hurt by his choice of words and the way he acted. I am certain he is probably angry with me for not giving him peanut butter...and putting him to bed early...and refusing to talk to him till he calmed down. Does Jake still love me...I have no doubt.

Can you remember times you have been terribly angry with your parents? What about God?

I Corinthians 13:4-8 - Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, it is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek it's own, it is not provoked and seeks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Year in the life of Dez...day 3

Say 3- Innocence

I felt like I needed to spend some more time on childhood. Today I feel in my heart that I should talk about children and their innocence.

Too many times do I see kids subjected to the craziness of this life. I am totally guilty of it. Especially when it comes to watching what I say or monitoring what they see on television. Our children have this beautiful built in thing called innocence. Why are most of us so quick to break that beauty in them.

I said in my post yesterday that we should answer our children's questions when they ask them. I also said that it should be age appropriate. A 6 year old does not need to know the ins and outs of a sexual relationship when asked where babies come from.

Something I feel I lost incredibly early was innocence. I think I grew up way too fast under circumstances that were not in my hands. I believe when you hear an adult complain about not having a childhood I really believe innocence has tons to do with that.

Children are children for such a very short time. We sometimes put way too much responsibility on them. I'm not saying that they don't need to mind or have chores... I am just saying that we expect them to know too much sometimes. Really think about this before you scold your child for being immature next time. Think twice before telling them to "grow up". Our children, our babies have ALL their lives to be grown up and responsible...they have but a blink of an eye to be carefree and childlike.

Can you remember ways your parents forced you to grow up too early? Talk about when you believed childhood was over for you.

Galatians 5:22-23- But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

Year in the life of Dez...Day 2

I wondered last night if I would really be able to fill up an entire year like this. Then I started thinking about all the things I can really teach. Could my life pain actually be a blessing in disguise? I really think it is. There are so many things I could teach parents, survivors and Christians out there.

So today I am going to start with something I had to erase at the end of my message yesterday. It has to deal with our children and the proper way to help with their grief.

So many times, as parents, we have a difficult time helping our children when they are emotional. Why is that?
I really think that for most of us it is a comfort thing. I know as a child I was taught to stuff my feelings down. I wasn't allowed to grieve, be angry, or to address my feelings whatsoever.

How do you feel when your child is hurt, or crying? Do you try and "shush" it away. When they ask questions that are far more advanced than their age do you shut it down quickly. If you do...think about WHY you do it? It is because it makes you uncomfortable.

This is the worst thing that people can teach their children! Stuffing emotion or questions make a child a) an emotion stuffer in grown up life (which will help lead them to a life of searching for why they are so depressed or repressed and B) teaches them not to express themselves, to be timid and helps make them think that their thoughts are not important.

I am a PRIME example of an emotion and thought stuffer!!! In the great words of Jack Nicholson, "Don't you be like me". Don't teach your children to be like me...or yourself for that matter!

What I am saying is when you child is hurting, talk to them about it. Hold them, console them and let them know that they can always talk to you about anything. Sure, some of their questions...like "where do babies come from" at 4 and 5 years old are hard to address. Just make it an age appropriate answer for the time. Don't tell them that it is something you can't talk about. By the things we do, the ways we react and the way we treat emotion and curiosity in our homes will have a lasting effect on how your child looks at the world around them.

So I ask you today, what ways do you feel you were repressed as a child and do you see yourself doing it to your kids today?

Psalms 127:3- Behold children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Matthew 19:14- But Jesus said. "Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them: for such is the kingdom of heaven.

A Year in the life...from Dez

Day 1

It's time that I stop hiding and running from my fears. So I decided that if I put them all out there that maybe I can help someone else while I am helping myself.

I am a Christian. I have been since I was a teenager. I used to be really charismatic and had no issue whatsoever with letting people know where I stood in my faith. Over time, I have let that slip. Over time I have become mediocre at best. I try to live a "good" life, but my fears and doubts leave me hiding from people and my convictions.

There are times that my fear of life and of death really rear their terribly ugly heads. It leaves me in tears and sobbing and completely terrified at times. It is crippling and I am tired of being lame. So I am writing this blog, and with God's help and the help of my friends...and hopefully helping others out there with the same fears and doubts... I am going to conquer this.

So where do I start? Well, I will be frank. Since I was a kid I have had Christian doubts. I am sure you are gasping right now as any good Christian would do. So why, as Christians, do we flounder when we hear one of our fellow Christians are struggling with doubt and their strength in God. Why do we look at people who say they are struggling with doubt like they have grown two heads. Is doubt not a normal thing...isn't that where faith comes in?

So what are my doubts? I struggle with death and life after death. There was a time, many years ago...I was about 15 years old, that I can remember praying, "God, please if you are out there and you are really coming again, can you do it before I die?". Then I made up my mind that if heaven was there then that was GREAT, I am gonna live my life like it is...if it's not...one day I will go to sleep and never know the difference. I have tried that with myself this time and it hasn't worked. I need more than that, I need to stretch my faith out there and be the Christian I once was as a teenager.



So, for today... I put the question out there...do you ever doubt? If so, what makes you doubt? I will also leave you with a bible verse. Because of my questions, doubts and fear I am doing what I should have been doing more of...studying the bible. I want to grow.

James 1:6- "But let him ask IN FAITH, with NO DOUBTING, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed about the wind.

21 years ago today

21 years ago today my life changed forever. It changed how I felt about the world, it changed how I accepted people, it changed the way I reacted and the way I loved. Today is the anniversary of my Dad's death.

I have been asked in the past if I thought I would be where I am today if he had raised me. That was a really tough question. The answer is, I really don't think I would.

I do believe time heals all wounds. I don't really think time healed my fathers wounds. After we lost my mother and moved to Tennessee I really think that there was no going back for him. He had been through the wringer, some of it by his own hand, some of it by circumstance. Nevertheless, he wasn't able to raise me while he was alive and I really think God had different plans for me.

Sadly, it has taken me many years to get to the point where I am not the person I used to be. I was bitter, I was hurt, I didn't understand how God could take away a child's family and leave her to her own devices. I was emotionally void, needy and completely misunderstood.

Today, I am still needy but I understand better. I still have my emotional blocks, my downfalls and the self worth of an ant. I do believe that I have accepted what cards have been dealt for me. I have love in my life and I know what to do for my kids...and I know how to show them and my husband the love I never really felt I received.

I know what to look for, I know how to love unconditionally and I feel deeply. I have my demons... fear of death, fear of loss...but with God's help I don't let my fears run my life.

So, all in all I think I should take a moment to thank my Dad for being the best Dad he knew how to be. I thank him for my life. I would hope that he is proud of me and I know he would love my family. They say time heals all wounds...I completely agree.

It is definitely fall here in the PNW. Actually, It feels quite a bit more like winter. There have been tree days we have awaken to find that there is snow on the peaks surrounding our house. That just lets me know that the white fluffy stuff is just around the corner.

Fall in the PNW is VERY different from a warm southern fall. I would have to say that fall in the south is ONE thing I miss. The thing is, that fall weather that we would wait for all year I get up here all the time, generally. The thing we don't get is the color and the smell. There is just a certain smell in the air during a Southern fall. I always expressed it and honeysuckle as being two of my favorite smells ever. Neither of which I have here, but I will take the trade off.






Another thing that I am losing quickly is daylight. During the summer here it is nothing to still have twilight at 11PM. It is getting darker a lot quicker now. By this winter it will get dark at 4. Jake will go to school in the dark and come home in the dark. It's slightly depressing for a while, but we don't seem to let it get to us.

We haven't had our bear problem for about a week now. We still haven't caught a glimpse of it but we know it's there by the incredibly large piles of scat it leaves behind. Plus Willow goes NUTS at night when she smells it or sees it. So luckily over the last week we haven't been waking up in the night to quiet the dog. That will change again when the loaded down apple tree on the edge of the yard starts shedding the apples in the top of it's branches.



Everyone is great. We finally hit our one year mark here, both living here and working here. It was exciting, yet at the same time we wonder where the time went...surely it hasn't been year already! It has.

So I will bid farewell for now as I sit with my blanket over my shoulders, listening to Jack's soft snore and Jake beckoning me to sneak up on a deer in the front yard.