A Year in the life...from Dez

Day 1

It's time that I stop hiding and running from my fears. So I decided that if I put them all out there that maybe I can help someone else while I am helping myself.

I am a Christian. I have been since I was a teenager. I used to be really charismatic and had no issue whatsoever with letting people know where I stood in my faith. Over time, I have let that slip. Over time I have become mediocre at best. I try to live a "good" life, but my fears and doubts leave me hiding from people and my convictions.

There are times that my fear of life and of death really rear their terribly ugly heads. It leaves me in tears and sobbing and completely terrified at times. It is crippling and I am tired of being lame. So I am writing this blog, and with God's help and the help of my friends...and hopefully helping others out there with the same fears and doubts... I am going to conquer this.

So where do I start? Well, I will be frank. Since I was a kid I have had Christian doubts. I am sure you are gasping right now as any good Christian would do. So why, as Christians, do we flounder when we hear one of our fellow Christians are struggling with doubt and their strength in God. Why do we look at people who say they are struggling with doubt like they have grown two heads. Is doubt not a normal thing...isn't that where faith comes in?

So what are my doubts? I struggle with death and life after death. There was a time, many years ago...I was about 15 years old, that I can remember praying, "God, please if you are out there and you are really coming again, can you do it before I die?". Then I made up my mind that if heaven was there then that was GREAT, I am gonna live my life like it is...if it's not...one day I will go to sleep and never know the difference. I have tried that with myself this time and it hasn't worked. I need more than that, I need to stretch my faith out there and be the Christian I once was as a teenager.



So, for today... I put the question out there...do you ever doubt? If so, what makes you doubt? I will also leave you with a bible verse. Because of my questions, doubts and fear I am doing what I should have been doing more of...studying the bible. I want to grow.

James 1:6- "But let him ask IN FAITH, with NO DOUBTING, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed about the wind.

21 years ago today

21 years ago today my life changed forever. It changed how I felt about the world, it changed how I accepted people, it changed the way I reacted and the way I loved. Today is the anniversary of my Dad's death.

I have been asked in the past if I thought I would be where I am today if he had raised me. That was a really tough question. The answer is, I really don't think I would.

I do believe time heals all wounds. I don't really think time healed my fathers wounds. After we lost my mother and moved to Tennessee I really think that there was no going back for him. He had been through the wringer, some of it by his own hand, some of it by circumstance. Nevertheless, he wasn't able to raise me while he was alive and I really think God had different plans for me.

Sadly, it has taken me many years to get to the point where I am not the person I used to be. I was bitter, I was hurt, I didn't understand how God could take away a child's family and leave her to her own devices. I was emotionally void, needy and completely misunderstood.

Today, I am still needy but I understand better. I still have my emotional blocks, my downfalls and the self worth of an ant. I do believe that I have accepted what cards have been dealt for me. I have love in my life and I know what to do for my kids...and I know how to show them and my husband the love I never really felt I received.

I know what to look for, I know how to love unconditionally and I feel deeply. I have my demons... fear of death, fear of loss...but with God's help I don't let my fears run my life.

So, all in all I think I should take a moment to thank my Dad for being the best Dad he knew how to be. I thank him for my life. I would hope that he is proud of me and I know he would love my family. They say time heals all wounds...I completely agree.

It is definitely fall here in the PNW. Actually, It feels quite a bit more like winter. There have been tree days we have awaken to find that there is snow on the peaks surrounding our house. That just lets me know that the white fluffy stuff is just around the corner.

Fall in the PNW is VERY different from a warm southern fall. I would have to say that fall in the south is ONE thing I miss. The thing is, that fall weather that we would wait for all year I get up here all the time, generally. The thing we don't get is the color and the smell. There is just a certain smell in the air during a Southern fall. I always expressed it and honeysuckle as being two of my favorite smells ever. Neither of which I have here, but I will take the trade off.






Another thing that I am losing quickly is daylight. During the summer here it is nothing to still have twilight at 11PM. It is getting darker a lot quicker now. By this winter it will get dark at 4. Jake will go to school in the dark and come home in the dark. It's slightly depressing for a while, but we don't seem to let it get to us.

We haven't had our bear problem for about a week now. We still haven't caught a glimpse of it but we know it's there by the incredibly large piles of scat it leaves behind. Plus Willow goes NUTS at night when she smells it or sees it. So luckily over the last week we haven't been waking up in the night to quiet the dog. That will change again when the loaded down apple tree on the edge of the yard starts shedding the apples in the top of it's branches.



Everyone is great. We finally hit our one year mark here, both living here and working here. It was exciting, yet at the same time we wonder where the time went...surely it hasn't been year already! It has.

So I will bid farewell for now as I sit with my blanket over my shoulders, listening to Jack's soft snore and Jake beckoning me to sneak up on a deer in the front yard.

Apples, Plums, Elderberries and Bears

The last two weeks have been so very exciting for me. As I have said many times before I have tried so MANY new things since I have been here in Montana. It really helps to have a neighbor like Sharon Palmer that I learn so VERY much from. NEVER would I ever have thought that I would become the domestic goddess that I have become. In the last two weeks I have learned how to make lots of homemade jellies, jams and butters. I also learned how to rebatch soap! So I can add homemade soap maker to that list as well.

I really feel like I am in my element even when I am sooooo very far out of it. Sometimes to find your true potential you have to step out of your comfort zone and embrace where God leads you!

My husband has been doing the very same thing, in his job. He is doing things at the school that 2-3 years ago I would have NEVER imagined him doing. He has grow so very much, and even though he was a great man before he is even more amazing now. He works so hard so that I can be home with the kids. He will never know how much I appreciate how much he does for our family because there really are no words to say that could communicate that. He is such a beautiful man, amazing husband and magnificent father! I really won the lottery when I found him...or when he found me...or when God brought our two wandering hearts together. I always prayed for him growing up. With as much instability that I had in my life before I met him God has certainly made up for it since. So, PRAISE you God for pairing me with Jason Newcomb... the most wonderful man on Earth... my soul mate.

God has blessed us tremendously in the last few weeks even. Not only have I learned to do all the things I have...we got good news from Jack's ER trip and it didn't cost nearly as much as I thought it would. If we were to have gone to the same ER trip in Mississippi it would have cost us THOUSANDS.

I am also getting involved in the community much more. Making friends seems to be coming a little bit easier. I suppose when you recluse yourself in a cabin in the mountains that you really aren't gonna meet anyone. So, I am putting myself out there a little more. And guess what!!!??? I am meeting people...wow. LOl!!! I am still trying to get the photography biz off the ground as well...slowly but surely!!!!!!!!

The only problem we are having now is with Willow barking at night. We are having major evidence of Bears... mainly huge piles of bear scat (POOP). They are after all the fruit trees. So not much sleep the last few nights. Willow loves to let the entire mountain know of their presence.

Also, my nephew is still not well so please keep him in your prayers. Other than that, God has blessed us. We are an example of his amazing power!

And she's in the door...

So I have finally (and this is Dez btw) broken through the barrier and have made my way into the "Wedding Photography" industry... business... world. Whatever you may call it I am officially part of it. I am a proud, card toting member too.

Imagine my anxiety as I pulled up to this huge house on the river to shoot my first wedding. Luckily Everyone in this family was totally laid back. There was NO Bridezilla here, in fact she was awesome and so was her groom. I spend time from 2 till 11 that night sharing a moment with folks I never have met and coming away feeling like they were old friends.

So hopefully all of my weddings will be that successful. Though I can't imagine anything being as smooth as that one.

So here is a toast (raises tea glass) to Angie and Josh.... May you have many happy years and may your love for each other grow continuously!